I have some advice for those folks out there who may not be aware that they are an obnoxious traveler.
For starters, before leaving your house, remember that you are going to be in a small, confined space with many strangers. Some of whom have allergies. Even if they don't have allergies, chances are they aren't going to want their eyes to be watering because YOU think Estee Lauder is your best friend. Or your "signature scent" is just too good to be applied lightly. Back off the stink juice, brothers and sisters. Spray (once), and walk away. THAT'S IT. No more. Especially if your scent has a particularly strong single note, such as baby powder (contrary to manufacturer's beliefs, the whole world does NOT enjoy the smell of a baby's bottom). I spent a cross-country flight in front of a couple whose combined scents evoked RAID on a hot summer day. It was hard not to gag. And harder not to turn around and shoot them the stink-eye (ahem) every few minutes.
Once you are at the airport, try to arrive with a clue. I know not everyone lives in the airport like I do, so I am less tolerant of newbies, but come on, people. 9/11 was 7 years ago. We should all know by now that there's some funkiness going on with what you can and can't pack and exactly how all that works. Do us all a favor and check out the damn website before packing, ok?
If by some miracle you do make it through security and you're at the gate, please realize that we do have a system for getting onto these newfangled flying machines in an orderly manner. Every airline is different, but in general, it goes like this: There's a boarding zone (1, 2, 3, etc.) printed on your boarding pass (that's your TICKET for the uninitiated). The nice lady at the gate will announce WHEN each zone is to board. UNTIL YOUR ZONE IS CALLED, SIT THE HELL DOWN. I am sooooooooo tired of these little pseudo-lines that form outside of the real boarding line by hopefuls who think they're getting the jump on someone else. No. What you're doing is blocking everyone else who really does have the right to board. You're probably the same people who cause traffic by slowing to a stop on a merge, aren't you? You know who you are.
And don't give me that crap about, "well, we're all going to the same place! What does it matter?". No. *I* am going to MY seat, which includes storage space in the overhead for my luggage. You are going to YOUR seat, which gets seated after MY seat, and may or may not include overhead storage space because my bag is already there. THAT is why frequent travelers rush to get on the planes in their rightful place: first.
When you finally do make it onto the airplane, mind your manners. Don't use your cell phone voice (WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THIS), we don't care about your neighbor's rhinoplasty. And do turn off your cell phone (and the wireless switch on your laptop) when asked. You’re not special, you have to turn it off like the rest of us, buck-o. Be mindful that you might very well be that annoying person who has a voice equal in timbre to the whine of the turbines...please do us all a favor, and lower it. There's nothing worse than being in a confined space with someone with an annoying voice competing for available decibels with the jet engines.
If you have carry-on luggage (which, by the way, should be smaller than say, a Mini-Cooper for those of you who don’t read the regulations), take your bags off your shoulders before walking down the aisles, please. If I had a dime for every whack on the head I received from a backpack...
Once properly ensconced in your mini-seat, you may notice (due to your neighbor's thigh overlapping your own) that the seats seem to have gotten smaller since the last time you've flown. They have. And everybody hates it, but we have to do our best to still act human even though we're crammed in there like sardines. So mind your elbows - to use a sniglet (remember those?), "elbonics" is defined as the fine art of fighting over a shared armrest. The only thing worse than someone not putting the armrest down to define that space where they end and you begin is having an overly aggressive armrest-neighbor with entitlement issues. Just try to treat the person next to you the way you want to be treated. Use it if you must, but don't jostle and don't hog it. And gentlemen, pay attention to how you sit. I’m sure it’s perfectly ok for you to sit with your knees as far apart as humanly possible on your sofa at home, but YOU’RE NOT HOME. You’re in public. And usually, right next to me. So please, remember the space is limited and that your knees should not extend past the edges of your seat into someone else’s leg space. Besides, spread-legged is not an appropriate posture to assume in public, unless you’ve just been neutered and need breathing room for your bandages. (In which case you should either be flying cargo anyway or buy another empty seat so your “knees” have breathing room.)
When the snack comes (don’t expect a meal anymore, people. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing – remember the last airline meal you ate?), remember that others are going to be involuntarily exposed to your eating manners. So don't chew with your mouth open (EVER), smack your lips, talk with your mouth full, or make overly-satisfied-sounding "mmmmmm"s while eating. It's just not right. Don't slurp your drink, chew your ice loudly, or say "ahhhh" after each sip. And if you're chewing gum, don't, for the love of God, crack it with every single chew. Or with any chew, for that matter. I should not be privy to what is happening inside ANY part of your body, especially your mouth. Don't eat stinky foods, don't burp (we might be close, but this doesn't mean we're intimate), and certainly don't let it out the OTHER end either. You know what I'm talking about. There's even a term for doing that in an airplane: crop dusting. It's cruel and unusual. And if you do it on my flight, I will hunt you down and humiliate you. Speaking of bad smells, pay attention to the fact that all that carbon dioxide you’re breathing out? Yeah, I’m inhaling it, thanks. So could you please make sure it isn’t offensive?
Which leads me to the next topic, Moving About the Airplane. When you need to leave your seat, indicate to the individuals who are trapping you in that you would like to get out. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT just stand up and stick your fanny in their faces as you try to shimmy past. And if you’re the sitter, do not just try to wave me out of my seat without getting up, thinking you’re being cooperative. You're being lazy. That may have been borderline acceptable back in the days of Pan-Am, when seats were bigger than your niece’s Dora the Explorer lunchbox. But those days are over. Just ask them to let you out, and believe me, if they’ve EVER flown on an airplane before and suddenly found their face involuntarily juxtaposed with a stranger’s derriere, they will be more than happy to get out of the seat to let you through.
And I know we're all fighting gravity and it's awkward as ass to scoot out into the aisle from any seat, but must you grab the headrest of my seat in front of you and shake it like a wayward child? Brace yourself on the armrests in your own row while exiting your seat rather than grabbing the back of the seat in the row in front of yours. That way you can avoid getting eye daggers from the likely sleeping passenger in the seat that you are about to rattle.
Once you are up and about using the bathroom, please try to have a modicum of manners. Don’t do anything in that bathroom you wouldn’t want someone else doing if you had to sit next to it for 2 or more hours. Emergency only is the key here. And PLEASE clean up after yourself. Maybe your poor spouse has to deal with your slovenly bathroom habits at home, but I would rather not. If it wasn’t wet when you entered the bathroom, it shouldn’t be wet when you leave it. I’m talking about the seat, of course. Try to pay attention to what you’re doing in there.
Lastly, when the flight is over, and provided you haven’t flung yourself out the nearest emergency exit to escape, you will need to disembark. As anxious as we all are to get the hell out of dodge, the proper way to do this is to wait until all the people in front of you have gotten out of their row, then exit. You heard me. This isn't the 5th grade school bus here, people - the first person in the aisle does NOT have the right to rush up the center of the plane and leave first because they’re the fastest. No. That's just uncivilized. You wait for your turn like real grown-ups. The only exception is if someone is going to be late for a connection. At which point they should explain to everybody why they’re going to vault over your seat, knock you unconscious with their laptop bag, and step on your neck to exit before you do.
Maybe it sounds like I'm a smidge intolerant, but I guarantee you, if you have to fly more than once in any given week, you too will start to notice these little annoyances. And they will quickly become important to you. And like me, you will quickly buy an iPod (a.k.a. "idiot deflector") and noise-cancelling headphones and employ them as often as possible (every minute that we are not actively ascending or descending) to avoid interaction with your gum-cracking, stinky-perfume wearing, back-pack wielding nosy neighbor with the nasal voice.
Here's hoping you never have to fly with me.
