But occasionally, I get these waves of feeling like no matter how craptastic everything else has been, whatever is coming up next can't or won't be as bad as what I've already been through. Some of that is just my inherent optimism (frequently referred to by friends and family as my naïveté - but I know better), but some of it is me drawing on my personal experience and deciding not to repeat mistakes from the past. At least, not the big ones.
For example, it would be easy for me to say, "ok, that's it - no more relationships, no more men. Only bad things have come of it in the past, especially lately". But I honestly don't feel that way. As much as having a relationship isn't actually a priority for me right now, I'm a smart enough person to know that what I fear and want to avoid isn't having another relationship - I just don't want to have the same BAD relationship(s) I had before.
It's very challenging to do, but I'm also going to have to leave my fears and prejudices of the past where they belong - in the past. It wouldn't be fair of me to presume that every man who crosses my path is a lying, sociopathic cheater (although past history would say odds are good.). I wouldn't want a man holding things his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend did to him against me. I'm not a cheater. I'm not a nagging harpy. I'm a good person who can bring a lot of joy and happiness into someone's life if they'll give me a chance, and I know that. But I'm not going to try to sell anybody on it either. They need to be open to that and ready for it, or it just won't happen. And until someone I feel merits an opportunity with me feels the same, I'm just going to keep it to myself and keep getting better. That's the beauty of NOT being in a relationship - nobody to report to but ME, and I can use all my time for self-improvement or just relaxing and enjoying myself. And I fully intend to.
I'm framing this in the context of relationships, since that's what's been on my mind lately. But the same can apply to friendships and jobs. You don't stop working because you had a crappy job or two. You don't stop making friends because some old ones let you down once. You move forward, knowing now what you need to look for and what you are not willing to tolerate, and you don't settle for less than that this time around. So you KNOW it's going to be better.
So on this Christmas eve, the precipice of something good - or at least better than what I accepted or settled for yesterday - rather than be sad I'm not with a significant other, I'm going to enjoy not being under the sullen shadow of somebody else's misery. I'm going to enjoy time with my family and friends, and sleep well knowing that whatever is coming next will only happen if I choose to allow it.
Enjoy your holidays, my friends.
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