You know what really sucks? When bad things happen to good people. You know what strangely seems to suck even worse? When good things happen to good people, but because of some stupid shit you don't even understand, the person you want and need to share it with isn't there for you anymore. So instead of it being the biggest, most joyous moment in your life that you immediately know who to speed dial and share it with, you just kind of float in space for a minute acknowledging, "wow, this is major. Like, HUGE. Could change everything. Who do I call to tell about it?" Then instead of rejoicing over what feels like it could be a huge triumph (even if it is only the rumblings of a new beginning), you get caught in this seemingly never-ending hamster wheel of wistful emotions that bring you down, and instead of dealing with anything proactively you pick at the hair follicles on your arms and legs until you are sore, swollen, and bleeding because that's what you do when everything is too much and you're in an anonymous, generic hotel room in a city that's not yours anymore and you just don't know where to turn. Real healthy, right? Way to cope, JC.
Sure, I have plenty of good (great, actually) friends who end up being top on that list, not to mention my family. They have been with me every step of the way too. But when you had that one person who did more than just encourage you - they played devil's advocate, reminded you of the things you didn't want to think about, set false deadlines for you to get your lazy/overwhelmed/scared ass moving - and now they're not there to share this with, get their reaction to it, their guidance on it...it just sucks.
And yeah, I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. I know that I don't need a guy's approval to be proud of my own accomplishments (especially a guy whose very quality as a human being is highly suspect in my mind right now). I built this thing by myself, and will execute it and enjoy it by myself too, but for a while there, I felt like I had a partner. Support. Beyond just, "go team!", which is super sweet, but we all know that constructive criticism (when given kindly) is far more helpful than just a pat on the back, since it helps you correct your own course.
Maybe I'm just scared to start this venture on my own. It's true, I haven't technically been on my own, uh, ever in my adult life. Libras are nesters and nurturers by nature, we like to pair up with a partner. And since I always seem to find (or be found by) someone within weeks of being available, and am loathe to pass up the opportunity to finally have possibly met that person who could be my perfect compliment, I always take the risk instead of playing it safe or sticking to some self-imposed "timeline" that I think I need to follow. When someone is worth paying attention to, I pay it, since that opportunity may pass if I ignore them now, and having the right life partner is more important to me than how quickly I achieve any material goals. However, just because I've been in a relationship with someone doesn't mean I've had a partner that whole time. I've been more lonely inside of an unfulfilling relationship than I was when I was actually single and alone and feeling good. So despite having been 'attached' for most of my adult life, I am a very independent person who gets things done on her own most of the time.
But maybe this is just me finally moving from the denial and anger stages into acceptance and grieving the loss of what felt like a best friend on many levels. Major news, even good news, can disrupt the calm in your emotional pond and bring all sorts of things to the surface that maybe were lurking just beneath the glass-smooth exterior that was there before someone chucked a stone into your emotional waters. And now you have to deal with not just the effect of the good ripple, but the negative effect of the emotions you back-burnered out of hope you wouldn't ever *have* to deal with them, because either the situation gets better due to external forces (which I know it won't. If after 3 weeks of dead silence somebody doesn't give enough of a damn about your wellbeing to reach out to you and apologize for being a selfish dick or at least ask how your divorce court went, he is a douchebag and will never ask, because he clearly doesn't care about anybody but himself. You just don't matter in his master plan, you were just a pleasant diversion until you got too needy and wanted in return some of what you were putting into the relationship, you unreasonable ball and chain, you.), or because you were so furiously angry that you just skipped all the other steps most people experience when they grieve a loss of some magnitude. I was hoping for either one of those situations, but alas, I am clearly just a mere mortal and have to live the grieving process like everybody else. There is too much evidence to the contrary for me to believe I was maliciously misled for months into thinking there was a connection there. If I felt it was deliberate and for his entertainment, maybe I could just say, "phew, dodged another bullet there!" and happily move on, knowing the universe has better things (and people) in store for my future. Which I'm sure it does. But he put way too much effort into reaching out to me, talking to me for endless hours on the phone when neither of us did that with anybody else, bringing me into part of his world. But just the part in his head, because the part in real physical life he never did introduce me to, and it was a conversation about this which lead to the demise of everything else we had built. I'm not going to be your bff in your head and on the phone and through text but not get to meet the people in your life. I'm nobody's dirty little secret or side chick. I'm not THAT girl. Fuck that. You can bring me in, but you'd better be goddamned proud and show me off too. Own that shit, man, or let it go for a better man to appreciate and give me my due for earning that position in your life.
Anyway, clearly there's still a lot of anger I'm dealing with and it's easy to follow it down into a rabbit hole and get derailed from my point here, which is that good things are happening but all I feel is a sort of empty melancholy. I'm also possibly a little bit stunned, in shock that something that could be truly life-changing could actually be happening. Maybe once I get my feet under me, I'll get some traction and just run with it and be ok because I'm in heads-down "go" mode. But I doubt it. Not having that one special person around, even though as I write this he is only about a half hour's drive away from me, is a constant anchor around my soul. I thought that coming back to the beltway area for the first time since the breakup would be difficult - and it is. I'm not enjoying it very much, but I was coping. (Mainly through napping. Shut up, it's my escape.) But actually getting this good news while I was here felt like exactly what needed to happen to propel me forward into action, and instead I ran into a wall of my own emotions and it's like walking through a hot tar shower dropped off of somebody's roof. It disorients, it burns, it smells bad, it slows you down, it's all over you, and you cannot for the life of you get rid of it as fast as you want to and the tracks of it follow you everywhere you go.
Well, at least if this is me moving through the stages of grief, at least I'm moving forward even if this is the lowest, most difficult part of the journey. I've been through it before and I'm sure I'll go through it again. I survived every damn time, despite feeling like I didn't care if I did or not. And I know the sun will come up tomorrow, putting one foot in front of the other is how I've managed to get through these last few difficult weeks. That, and the constant support of my friends who know what a crucial time this has been for me, and have been there for me, since their friendship is REAL.
I do keep trying to console myself by saying, "he got too defensive when I brought up a girl he friended on FB, and if a guy gets defensive over something that really isn't that big of a deal, he was probably creeping on some level or doing something he knew he shouldn't have been doing at that time, considering we had agreed to be exclusive some time before that went down, so therefore I don't want him anyway." But there's lots of reasons guys get defensive, especially if they're used to being single and not questioned, or having their logic questioned. Is that me making excuses for him? Maybe. Ultimately, I didn't do or ask for anything that was out of order for where we were at in the relationship HE pursued with me. I think he got in too deep, realized there were real feelings at stake (probably more mine than his, since his actions - or lack thereof - have shown me he doesn't have any for me), and bailed the fuck out. Thinking he is somehow 'saving' me from some worse hurt in the future. And maybe he is, I guess I'll never know now. It just doesn't make sense after HE spent 7 months building it up and enjoying everything I put into it, misleading me into believing he was with me every step of the way, since I let him initiate the majority of communications and even offered him an 'out' when we had the exclusivity conversation a few months ago.
I guess because I don't believe he has fully acknowledged what really happened emotionally within himself, and his email to me did little more than shine a light on what a huge ego he has, I am having trouble moving forward the way I want to. I want to be able to unequivocally say, "he IS a huge douchenozzle, I am better off without him in my life", and stride confidently forward into my fabulous future. But the insights that I had into his psyche, the companionship I finally felt with someone who is on my level in many ways, felt like we were laying the foundation for something different, something really solid that neither of us have had with someone else before. It's hard to believe that THAT person is the same one who just bailed on me in my moment of greatest need and never looked back to make sure I'm ok. Really, dude? Your mother would be SO proud of you for that one. Way to represent. Yeah, it was scary to feel like something big was being built at a less-than-opportune time in our lives, but if it was happening at that time it's because it was supposed to. It seemed to be working for both of us. I wasn't trying to rush it either. We both have a lot of things to focus on, but this was a nice support system we had for each other. I thought.
And who knows, maybe my impending success at this new venture would have further intimidated him. I say further because he told me at the very beginning of our relationship that I am intimidating. It's a theme with me, apparently, I get told this ALL THE DAMN TIME by men and women alike. I'm kind of tired of it, actually, so people, please get your shit together and be intimidated by something WORTH being intimidated by, like Godzilla. Or doing your own taxes. But not by me. I'm just a person. But apparently my successes and personality traits combine to make me somewhat formidable, and I think for some men if they feel like they're not earning and achieving on my level, that they're not comfortable with the power distribution in the relationship. I don't really think of it that way, I think confidence is all in your head. Ironically, one day when I was feeling insecure about something and instead of reassuring me, his voice took on an irritated tone and he condescendingly told me, "confidence is sexy", as if by having an insecurity on a bad day that meant I wasn't confident. I quickly told him that I have no shortage of confidence overall, but once in a while human beings need a warm fuzzy from their significant other to reassure them that they aren't the only ones who think they are awesome. Plus, there is a HUGE difference between confidence and cockiness. Confidence is sexy. Cockiness is off-putting, even when justified. Try to remember that.
I know some things about myself - firstly, that I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, because I would want them to do that for me. Maybe I'm doing that here, but I'm just going off of what I know, or thought I knew. I had seven months' exposure to the good side in him. This callous side of him is completely new to me and I don't know what to make of it. I kind of don't want to believe it exists. Part of me says I should reach out to him, respond to his shitty email. But I'm not going to chase him and feed that damn ego that fed off of me enough already this year. His own morals should guide him back to at least apologize to me for bailing and for the shitty timing and execution of it. If he can't do that, ultimately, he's not worth my time, worry, or friendship. Which is a sad, sad thought. Because, then who the fuck *was* that I was with for seven months, and where did he go? I miss him. My lack of a response or communication directly to him should be enough to tell him just where I stand on all of this.
Secondly, I know that Libras have a tendency to fall in love with the very idea of being in love. But because I am so aware of it, especially these days, I was very careful not to let myself go there and get all giddy and happy and blithely believe that this relationship was something it wasn't. It had some very very good points, things I haven't had in any other relationship. But it was missing some things too, which is only natural since it was new and long-distance and we were still getting to know each other. So I tried to keep a bit of an emotional distance, not be too demanding about most of it, and give it time to see what happened. So much for that approach. I tried to keep my head out of the clouds, and even though I wasn't head over heels for him, I was still invested, still cared, and got burned any damn way.
Thirdly, I know I've said this before, but I'm a damn good catch. So is he (or so I thought, until the fatal personality flaw of being completely unable to process and cope with his own emotions revealed itself, especially if he's not on any mind-altering substances at the time), but I only got to see bits and pieces he wanted to share with me so I guess I ultimately don't know what kind of a catch he is, aside from a temporary and complicated one. But I do know myself. I know I give my all to my partner in a relationship. I'm willing to learn new languages, cooking skills, relocate my residence, pay all the bills, even raise other people's children if that is what the relationship requires. I pay attention to what their (sometimes voracious, fragile) ego needs and try to feed it accordingly, giving them what they need to feel valued and appreciated by me. Even when it isn't done in return. I have in the past abandoned my own hobbies and pursuits for the sake of doing something my partner and I could enjoy together. I'm always willing to try something new, but I have since learned the value of putting my own oxygen mask on first and making sure my needs are met, since when one partner struggles they both pay the price. It hurts to feel like even though I know I'm not perfect, I'm a damn good partner, yet I just can't seem to find anybody who wants or deserves to have me in their lives in that capacity. The Libra in me hates the unfairness of it all. It's like all my goodness works against me. The girls who are bitches and treat men cruelly get all the attention from the overachievers who like a challenge. I'm not that bitch. And as much as I love a good costume, I really don't want to have to role-play in my own life in order to attract and keep somebody. I just want somebody to SEE me for who I am, and not be able to sleep easily at night until they do everything in their power to keep that all for themselves. I hope he realizes that he'll need at least seven women to replace the one that I am. (Not that he'll have any trouble scoring seven women, I'm sure he's gone through that many already in the past 3 weeks, if that's what he's choosing to console himself with, if he even needs consolation. But the cheap and easy ones just won't add up to even a fraction of what I am.) I hope he feels my absence like a lost tooth with a sore spot his tongue can't leave alone.
Is that too much to ask, to find somebody who sees my value, digs me, and can't bear to not have me as theirs? Maybe the fact that it hasn't happened yet is the Universe's way of telling me that it isn't my time yet. Or that the right guy is out there but isn't ready yet. I'm ok with being alone, but I wish the Universe would stop teasing and distracting me with these almost-good-enough guys that ultimately just end up hurting me and making me feel like a failure for no good reason. Leave me alone to my 6 cats and red wine and books and music, will ya? Stop with the torture already, universe. I'm tired of it, I don't have the energy to swing the bat at your difficult pitches anymore. I'll be lucky to get my weary ass all the way back into the protective shelter of the dugout this time. I may just lay down in the dirt behind home base and call it a day.
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