the ELLIPSIS OF DOOM!!! (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

If you're not an iPhone user, that meme may not make any sense to you.  But if you are, you know EXACTLY what it's saying, right?  In the same way that much of our technology today has created a planet full of instant gratification junkies, the iMessage application on an iOS device has this horrible, wonderful feature that I love/hate.  While the person you are texting to is typing back to you, you see an ellipsis (...) pop up (provided they also are on an iOS device).  It's like a little visual Pavlov's bell.  If you even remotely give a shit about what this person might say, instead of going about your business and doing whatever else it is you have to do at that moment, you are riveted to your little glowing screen, mouth watering, wondering, "what are they going to say!?" or "why is it taking them so long to respond?!" or, what Arnold is squinting about above, "WTF! Why didn't they respond yet? I saw the dots pop up so I know they were typing SOMETHING!!".  It can be maddening.  Especially when you realize how easily it can hook you in.  It's like a little hit of dopamine in your brain, and becomes very addicting.  Especially if this is somebody you are flirting with, or want to impress.  It creates an even higher level of anticipation, and some evil genius at Apple knew that and went there anyway.  Bastard.

I've decided to think of them as "the ellipsis of DOOM" from now on.

The "ellipsis of DOOM" are on my mind not just because I have completely fallen victim to them (which I have), but because it's an ever-present reminder of how I'm living in an anticipatory state instead of the present state.  I think this is me creating my own stress, and I really need to get a grip on it.

I have become aware of it because the same exact message has started popping up in random places.   Friends and family are saying it to me, it shows up multiple times in my facebook feed, Pinterest seems to have an abundance of that SAME message on every board I browse, my facialist (who barely speaks english) even says it to me.  Like, I know I can be stubborn, but ALRIGHT ALREADY, Universe I get it.  I'm supposed to

BE HERE NOW!!!

and

ENJOY THIS MOMENT! THIS ONE RIGHT HERE!

Blerg.  I'm exhausted from being beaten about the head and shoulders with this message. I'm doing my best.  That's all I got.  See, the problem is, I'm in flux in a bunch of different situations, and as exciting and fast-paced as everything is, I just don't like it.  It's uncomfortable.

What I'm learning about myself is that my comfort zone is either before something begins, like in the planning stages, or when it's complete and I can relax.  While the actual execution of the event is happening, it's a blur, I'm in 'action' mode, and can't seem to relax, much less take a deep breath and consciously enjoy.  Like hosting a party.  I love the planning stages - "this is going to be the best party EVAH!" and "OMG look at this menu!".  The actual party itself will be hectic, filled with trips to the kitchen and bar, making sure everyone is having a good time (apparently except myself, although being a good hostess makes me happy, ergo, a good time).  Then the post-party cleanup is a much less hectic pace, spent slowly cleaning and reviewing the good time CLEARLY had by all based on the party shrapnel left all around the house. 

Same could be said about running a 5k.  It's exciting to plan it, the running itself is kind of torturous, even though I know I'll feel awesome afterwards when all is done.

The problem is, I feel the same way about relationships and dating.  To put a finer point on it, I'm good at relationships - I have no problem making a commitment and sticking to it.  But I truly SUCK at dating.  That's right, I suck at it and admit it.  I don't like it, I'm not good at it, it makes me uncomfortable, and the whole process is a special kind of hell for me, even when the guy is A-ok.  Actually, the better the guy is, the worse the dating period is for me anytime we're not actually together.  My logical brain starts trying to organize this gelatinous, undefined mass of feelings and emotions and excitement into something it either isn't yet or might never be, and that's where I get myself into trouble.  It's called overthinking, and I really need to stop doing it. 

I'm most comfortable either completely single, with no attachments or love interest, or fully committed and comfortably inside the confines of a relationship, where the rules are clear.  There's at least two problems I have with the dating scenario.  One, is that everybody puts on their best personality to present to the other, instead of just being who they really are.  This takes energy, people.  Energy I don't have.  So instead, I choose to just be me, and I come across as a very intense, kind of scary, military trained, tool-wielding, loud-laughing crazy cat lady/biker chick/househead who likes to make your house look pretty and fix all your computer woes.  And uh, yeah...I scare 'em all away.  Go figure.  I know, that's no way to 'snag a man', but here's the thing...I'm not really trying to 'snag a man'.  I don't want a man that I have to trick into liking me.  (And NO, I don't consider the magic I perform with makeup every day to be trickery, dammit.  That's more of a public service.  Shut up.)  As a matter of fact, I'm ok without a man at all, hence my inability to give enough of a shit to work up the energy to do a soft-shoe around an awkward dinner date with someone I'm not even sure I want to bother to impress.  Harrumph.

The second problem, once we're past the whole "yeah, I'm a weirdo and I own it.  Oh, you're still here?" phase, is the lack of definition of terms once you're past the first few encounters.  I think this comes from my analytical, boolean computer-geek personality.  To my brain (and apparently, heart), things should be "on" or "off".  Easy to understand.  Even though I am contradictorily also a big fan of 'grey areas', I don't like to reside in them.  I like to view them from the safe, well-defined platform of either black or white and discuss them in theory.  But the longer I'm spending in this grey area, I'm starting to understand why it's necessary, and even good.  Time does reveal things.  Gives you a chance to get to know each other in various situations.  Space to think about whether you (and they) want to deal with the particular flavors of dysfunction, insecurity, and weirdness brought to the table by both parties.  Whereas when you're impulsive and jump into things quickly, you can sometimes find yourself in too deep, already sucked into the quicksand.  Bailing on the other person in there with you at that point would make you a bad human being, so you just go down in flames with them, stubbornly believing you made a sound decision and you just need to ride it out.  (Not that I'm speaking from experience here or anything.)

The thing is, it could be that at the time you made that decision, it WAS sound - based upon the evidence you had collected up to that point.  But if you only spent a few weeks  collecting that information, that's a mighty small collection to be basing important life decisions on.  Whereas a longer discovery period (as we call it in software sales) can lead to better qualified decisions.  Knowing for sure which opportunities to pursue, which juice might very well be worth the squeeze, and which ones to gently (or not) cull out of the dating pool (and/or block from FaceBook and your phone forever).

I had brunch with some very good friends the other day and we discussed this at length.  Some of my friends are single, some married, some divorced, others engaged, so it was a good round-table of different perspectives.  One of them reminded me of the saying that you have to go outside of your comfort zone to really experience anything truly amazing.  Funny how I always tell other people that, yet when I'm in my own 'discomfort zone', I just want to squirm and whine and stomp my feet and gnash my teeth until its over and I'm back to doing what I'm comfortable and experienced with.

In addition to being told to "BE HERE NOW" constantly, I have also heard "I wish I had your life, even if just for a few days" and "I live vicariously through you!" from no less than 5 close friends just in the past week.  Part of me is like, "what's up with THAT?"  But the smarter part of me is like, "wow.  That fucking ROCKS.  Drink it all in."  At which point I'm realizing that I am now telling myself to BE HERE NOW.  See? Can't get away from it.

It's difficult, what with the pace of everybody's lives, the travel, making time for fitness and friends, routine chores and maintenance, to just step back and breathe deep and look around and appreciate.  We always feel like we're not really living until we lose that last 10 lbs, or pay off that debt, or reach that next goal.  It may be cliche, but it's true:  it's the journey, not the destination that life is about.  All that hippie bullshit about being present in this moment is...well...not bullshit.  The same friend that offered me the excellent advice of going outside my comfort zone also reminded me that we never know what's going to happen next.  She recently lost a family member, and it was clearly devastating.  But every time I see her, she is smiling through her tears, and positively RADIATING with love for her friends and family.  She has fully embraced the "BE HERE NOW" that I'm struggling with, and is an amazing living example of how rewarding it can be, even if things don't go the way you want.  There is still much to appreciate and be thankful for and truly experience every moment you have to the fullest, since it can all go away in the blink of an eye.

For all I know, this present moment could be the last one I have, so I might as well enjoy the experience, and ignore the foreshadowing that the ellipsis of DOOM keeps hinting at, since all the worry in the world won't change whatever is coming next.  

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