I spent this past week in various sales training classes at my company headquarters in Houston. In class, I was reminded that there's a saying in the software sales world that is annoying merely because it is accurate.
"If you don't know that you're winning a deal, you aren't."
I don't know who originally came up with that, but part of me wants to thank them, and the other part wants to kick them in the shins for being depressingly correct.
Generally, I have found this to be true in my professional experience. When you are in pole position in an account, the customer draws closer to you, is proactive about reaching out to you to ask for more information, and may even give you the inside track by sharing information the other competitors don't have. You can even do things like testing your 'champion' (the person at the customer account who is advocating for you) by seeing just how far they will go to support your cause. If you are unsure about how loyal that champion really is to you, it is sometimes advisable to push the boundaries a little - see if they'll go out on a limb and take some risks for you.
It's a scary proposition, to rock the boat when waters are calm on the surface. But if you think about it, testing its seaworthiness before things get rough will ultimately pay off. You won't go into deeper waters, spend more time (which translates to money) on an unworthy vessel that will only fail you in the end. Same thing with a customer account. It sucks to rip the rug out from under your own feet (trust me, I'm an expert on this now), but if you know it's only going to trip you up in the end, better to just take care of it now. If you push that champion to see if they stay faithful to you, and they bail instead, you know that person was not ever really your champion. Cheerleader, maybe. But not your champion. So you mourn the fact that you misinterpreted that person's role in the deal, you mourn the commission check you won't be getting, and you mourn the swelling bruise your ego just took. Then you correct your sales forecast by marking that deal as "lost", and move on to the next account all the wiser about properly identifying and proofing your champions as early as possible, so you don't get into hot water again.
And I know y'all know where I'm going with all this sales talk. It's a metaphor...of course. For personal relationships, what else? (I know, I know..."let me put on my 'surprised' face, JC...")
It's even more depressing when applied to personal life, but equally valid. I know that when I am really into someone, my actions speak even louder than the (many) words I use. I call, I text, I follow through and do what I say I'm going to do, avoiding anything that might be a hot button for the other person based on what they've told me about bad experiences in the past. I'm proactive about reaching out, to make sure that even if I don't overtly blurt it out (because that might scare them away, just by acknowledging the elephant in the room), they can feel the love. They know I'm thinking about them and being considerate and trying to impress them and play by their rules while still being authentically 'me'. Basically, I treat them the way I want to be treated. Seems logical, right?
The difficulty comes in interpreting their actions. Are they initiating communication as often as I am? Or do they merely give me courtesy replies to keep me on the hook as another option, because the competition for their attention feeds their ego and makes them feel desirable and important? Are they making as much of an effort as I am, or are situational factors skewing their ability to show me that effort? Or am I wasting my time with a cheerleader who merely likes my company and the benefits it comes with? Maybe they're only lukewarm on what I have to offer, but because I've made it so easy to do business with me, they haven't had to negotiate and put some skin in the game?
I think sometimes my own eagerness to present myself as open, honest, and willing to work with them is my own undoing. I see women be unavailable, harsh, and even downright cruel to men - and the part I truly don't understand is: IT WORKS. For years I've told myself that "those relationships can't possibly last, the one where the girl made the guy step and fetch and she just kicked him in the nards anyway and he kept coming back for more. No way will that last. One day he'll realize that, ummmm, SHE'S A BITCH, and get gone." But as with sales, the rule seems to be that the end justifies the means. So it doesn't matter how you land 'em, just do what you gotta do to reel 'em in.
Problem is, I just can't get behind that. I'm not cruel. I have no desire for a man who would take really ANY level of abuse from me and come back for more. Does that mean I don't want to be pursued? Absolutely not. I'd love for somebody to be so smitten with me that they'd crawl nekkid through crushed glass and/or sharp-edged copier paper just to drink a cup of my bathwater and snack on my toenail clippings. (Okay, maybe not *that* extreme, but you get my gist. Every girl wants a guy who would go through hell to win - EARN, really - her favor.)
Is it a power struggle? Is it the size of my ego vs. his ego? People loooove to tell others that "you have 'low self esteem'", or "you don't see how awesome you really are", or "you place too low a value on yourself" when you don't step directly on the necks of men who are interested in you. I am not an unintelligent woman, nor do I have low self-esteem. I'm no supermodel/rocket scientist/brain surgeon, but I think I'm a pretty good fucking catch. Scratch that, I KNOW I am. I don't feel the need to oversell myself to ANYDAMNBODY. I am the original WYSIWYG interface. (Google it, non-nerds.) Beyond maybe a little creative makeup and cute clothes to wrap the package, I don't engage in any kind of artifice or game playing that would mislead a guy. I think I'm good enough, valid enough, interesting enough, to merit somebody's full attention just as I am. I may deflect a compliment instead of graciously accepting it once in a while, but that's just good old-fashioned humility, not low self-esteem.
But a pattern seems to be emerging, and I don't like it. I always seem to be the one playing the sales role. Even when I'm not looking to make a 'sale' (meaning have a serious relationship). In casual relationships that are still in early stages, I find myself feeling like the one that is always waiting for the phone to ring, wondering where I stand in the rankings.
Which circles back to the statement "if you don't know you're winning, you're not."
Let's delve deeper into the sales process and see if there's more parallels, or a vital step I'm skipping.
Because I'm a nerdgirl, let's do qualification of the customer and deal and follow the sales process, quasi-flow-chart style.
RUN PROCESS:
Early Discovery stage: Are they looking for a product in my market space? Are they willing to eventually have a committed relationship once we decide we are right for each other? Because I know I'm a serial monogamist, that's really the only product I have to offer. Eternal undefined kinda-dating arrangements are not on my menu, sorry. "Friends with 'benefits'" rarely actually benefit anybody - this is a cheap, transactional non-relationship that might work for a minute but ultimately just leaves you feeling emotionally depleted and empty. And cheap, for not charging the full price of entry into your life - an actual commitment. I am looking for an enterprise-business-sized deal, strategic in nature, not transactional.
If no, terminate program, and be glad you learned that deal-breaker early in the process.
If yes, proceed to next question.
Secondary Discovery stage: Is there funding ready to pay for it? How much work, sacrifice, and compromise are they willing to put into having a relationship? Will they meet me halfway on things, or is it "my way or the highway" with them? They need to be willing to fully commit when the time is right, no secrets, no side chicks, no secret texts or dating website accounts held on reserve 'just in case'. No misrepresenting your relationship status behind my back or on social media to keep your fan club hanging on or guessing if you're available. It's all in or bust, buddy. Discovery is the stage where tons and tons of questions need to be asked, but at the 10,000 foot level. Don't drill too far down on minor details now (you can argue about threadcount later, trust me on that.), just make sure the important stuff matches up here.
If no, terminate program, have minor temper tantrum about the rash of selfish men unwilling to commit to a serious relationship that are plaguing the world right now. Then fix your hair and makeup, get a drink, and move on. You probably dodged a bullet.
If yes, proceed to next question.
Technical Assessment: Is there a match between their needs and the product I am offering? Do we want the same things, and are we able to meet each others' needs? If they only want a shot of espresso, and I'm offering a big, fluffy full-fat-mocha-latte-half-caf-extra-whip-frappuccino, that might seem appealing at first and they might try it out, but ultimately it's just going to be too much for them. That doesn't mean it isn't a delicious offering, it's just not the one they're in the market for. Or they're not ready for it yet. If his definition of a committed relationship means he wants to see you 6 nights a week, but yours requires more space, that is sad but incompatible, and ultimately will be a functional mis-match, no matter what you think you feel for each other. And if his definition of a relationship includes bachelor-party-like weekends where he mysteriously 'forgets to charge his phone' and goes dark on you, and yours requires daily communication, that just won't work, and you both deserve to have someone who accepts and honors your respective requirements.
If no, terminate program. Cry a lot over the injustice of life and love, avoid chick flicks for a month, lose weight from not having enough energy to boil rice, then realize you look fabulous and go out there and do it all again. Just pick better this time.
If yes, proceed to next question.
Go/No-Go. This is the pivot point, where the decision is made to move forward into procurement, or an optional (but recommended) Proof of Concept or Paid Pilot event to further ensure a good fit. This is also where you should test your Champion.
If no, terminate program. Drink heavily. When recovered from hangover and feeling less salty, review the play and look for the flaws so you can avoid them next time.
If "maybe, but I think we need more information before making an investment", proceed to Proof of Concept event.
If "maybe, but we are willing to make some investment to be really REALLY sure", proceed to Paid Pilot event.
If yes, go pick out your rings. Congratulations. Try not to become a failed implementation, a.k.a. "divorce statistic".
Proof of Concept event (POC). This is basically an extended test-drive. Basically, living together with no firm commitment beyond sharing the rent, a bed, and maybe a starter pet. (I recommend a goldfish. They're not notoriously easy to anthropomorphize, so if the POC fails and there's a breakup, you won't fight over who gets to keep him or need to make visitation arrangements for a damn fish. It'll just die in a few weeks anyway, I'm sure. If it dies before you break up, consider that an advanced POC where you get to see how each of you deal with death and/or failure. Bonus!)
Paid Pilot event. This is a step with some investment (engagement) towards full procurement (marriage). Pick your ring (unless he is pure awesome and knows exactly what you like and picks it out FOR you as a surprise and it's perfect.), move in to some neutral territory (not his bachelor pad or your ex-husbands house that you kept...this is a fresh, clean start for both of you to pave the way for optimal results. Do it right.) and obtain a more lovable starter pet than the one used in the POC (something with fur and a lifespan of more than 10 minutes).
If unsuccessful, start reviewing apartment ads.
If successful, move forward into procurement.
If the result is "not sure, still need more information", YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS DEAL. See instructions for "unsuccessful", above.
Procurement. This is the real deal. Fully committed, no backing out now. Engaged, buying property together, and actually planning the wedding. Review respective procurement processes to ensure compatible timelines. How long is it acceptable for the purchase order to sit on the desk in the inbox? Do you both want to get married NOW NOW NOW, or do you want to plan? Set proper expectation as to how long each of you feels it is appropriate to stay engaged and tolerating snide comments from nosy friends and relatives that like to say things like, "you STILL haven't picked a date...?!" with raised eyebrows and a pointed look that says, "oh, honey, he's not walking down that aisle with you, poor thing doesn't know the signs yet..."
If unsuccessful due to inability to commit to date, one of you has cold feet and was not completely honest in the Go/No-Go Event stage. That person is a liar. Maybe not deliberately malicious, but a liar nonetheless. The other person is going to be pissed for a while, but will eventually be grateful they dodged the bullet.
If successful, congratulations. Try not to become a statistic.
END RUN
Ok, so I'm sure the non-nerd amongst you are thinking that it's kind of harsh, unromantic, and/or shitty to compare the process of buying software to finding your life's partner. But is it really that different? IS IT? I didn't think so. So maybe I omitted all the romantical parts. I wasn't really trying to explore that stuff. When it's there, you know it's there. It's the process I wanted to delve into, to figure out which of these steps I'm skimping on. (And in the sake of full disclosure, I have made it through the "Procurement" stage twice already. And became a statistic both times. Just FYI.)
Am I skimping at the Discovery stage? I have to think that could be one of the places I'm falling down on the job. I think I'm ok at the early discovery, but falling down on secondary discovery. What are they willing to invest? I think I meet people more than halfway, thinking that surely my generosity and reasonably priced product will be an attractive package. But years of marketing research has shown that despite how much some people love a deal, with actual high-end products, people think they have more value when they cost more. Think Gucci, Prada, Lamborghini, Dior, Rolex...these are all highly desirable brands that people pay more for. Sure, you could get a T-Shirt from Express and still be wearing clothes, or driving a Yugo and have a car. But for those who want more, they will invest more. And generally not ask for a discount, as they know that the best doesn't come cheaply. That's why everybody wants it, but few can have it.
So that seems to be part of my problem. Maybe I do lower my price of admission - not because I don't think I'm worth more - I absolutely do - but because I haven't seen many buyers in my price range. Holding out until somebody with a fatter emotional wallet comes by and wants me in their life for the right reasons, and is willing to jump through any hoops to obtain that (within reason, of course).
I also could be dropping the ball by not drilling down deeply enough in the Technical Assessment period. When someone shows interest in me, my good-natured (and apparently oblivious) self believes that surely their idea of a commitment is the same as mine. It frequently isn't, and we don't find out until it's too late and somebody gets hurt.
I know for a fact that I completely skipped the Paid Pilot the last few times around. I did a POC, but didn't really pull back and evaluate how it was going during the process. I just plowed through it and charged straight into Procurement. FAIL.
So I guess I just answered my own questions. It looks so simple when you flowchart it out. Why does it have to be so complex in real life?
I know the answer to that, too. Because feelings get involved. He's cute, and/or funny, and/or smart, and your judgement gets clouded. Even though maybe your guy meets 95% of your requirements perfectly, there could be one factor that is out of place that will ensure you build your marital house on a cracked and shaky foundation, doomed to fail eventually. But you WANT it to work, dammit, look how good everything is...surely we can overcome...?
No. I think if you don't do due diligence at the beginning to make sure you're in 100% lockstep on the big issues, walking side by side, instead of one striding ahead and the other struggling desperately to keep up, it won't work. Oh, you might stay together out of sheer stubbornness or denial or laziness, but you won't be happy. And eventually, like a liquid seeking level, one of you will slip out of that crack in the foundation to find someone else who fills in the gaps. It's only natural to seek the one who truly compliments and supports us. (I don't like to say "completes us", because I think we need to be fairly complete before we can successfully partner with someone else.)
*sigh*
I should feel accomplished, hashing out all of this in the wee hours of the night after returning from an 8-day road trip. I should have been exhausted and just gone to bed. I'm coming down with a cold and feel lousy, and I know it will only be worse when I finally wake up tomorrow. It's 5 am and my eyes are crossing. Alas, too many factors are at work in my brain right now to let that happen. I felt compelled to sort this out on paper (ok, pixels) just to hopefully extract it from my brain. Not sure how successful I was, this really only gave me more clarity on *me*, when what I really need now are answers that I can't provide on my own. I may be emotional, but as a geek I am also highly logical. Almost Boolean. I like to know if something is on or off. Where are the curbs. Is there an SOP? I need to know which swim lane is mine so I can stay in it. No guessing. I have better things to use my mental bandwidth on than trying to be a human crystal ball.
It may be time to insert a feedback loop into my currently running process. The mere thought of having to face a process termination command because of incompatible feedback is looming large and dark on my horizon right now, and I guess I'm lingering in the discovery phase to avoid having to face it.
But its shadow is starting to eclipse some of the good stuff and I don't want to live in the shadows. Guess it's time for me to (wo)man up. Stay tuned.
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