sales 101 = life 101

I spent this past week in various sales training classes at my company headquarters in Houston.  In class, I was reminded that there's a saying in the software sales world that is annoying merely because it is accurate. 

"If you don't know that you're winning a deal, you aren't."  

I don't know who originally came up with that, but part of me wants to thank them, and the other part wants to kick them in the shins for being depressingly correct.

Generally, I have found this to be true in my professional experience.  When you are in pole position in an account, the customer draws closer to you, is proactive about reaching out to you to ask for more information, and may even give you the inside track by sharing information the other competitors don't have.  You can even do things like testing your 'champion' (the person at the customer account who is advocating for you) by seeing just how far they will go to support your cause.  If you are unsure about how loyal that champion really is to you, it is sometimes advisable to push the boundaries a little - see if they'll go out on a limb and take some risks for you.  

It's a scary proposition, to rock the boat when waters are calm on the surface.  But if you think about it, testing its seaworthiness before things get rough will ultimately pay off.  You won't go into deeper waters, spend more time (which translates to money) on an unworthy vessel that will only fail you in the end.  Same thing with a customer account.  It sucks to rip the rug out from under your own feet (trust me, I'm an expert on this now), but if you know it's only going to trip you up in the end, better to just take care of it now.  If you push that champion to see if they stay faithful to you, and they bail instead, you know that person was not ever really your champion.  Cheerleader, maybe.  But not your champion.  So you mourn the fact that you misinterpreted that person's role in the deal, you mourn the commission check you won't be getting, and you mourn the swelling bruise your ego just took.  Then you correct your sales forecast by marking that deal as "lost", and move on to the next account all the wiser about properly identifying and proofing your champions as early as possible, so you don't get into hot water again.

And I know y'all know where I'm going with all this sales talk.  It's a metaphor...of course.  For personal relationships, what else?   (I know, I know..."let me put on my 'surprised' face, JC...")

It's even more depressing when applied to personal life, but equally valid.  I know that when I am really into someone, my actions speak even louder than the (many) words I use.  I call, I text, I follow through and do what I say I'm going to do, avoiding anything that might be a hot button for the other person based on what they've told me about bad experiences in the past.  I'm proactive about reaching out, to make sure that even if I don't overtly blurt it out (because that might scare them away, just by acknowledging the elephant in the room), they can feel the love.  They know I'm thinking about them and being considerate and trying to impress them and play by their rules while still being authentically 'me'.  Basically, I treat them the way I want to be treated.  Seems logical, right?

The difficulty comes in interpreting their actions.  Are they initiating communication as often as I am?  Or do they merely give me courtesy replies to keep me on the hook as another option, because the competition for their attention feeds their ego and makes them feel desirable and important?  Are they making as much of an effort as I am, or are situational factors skewing their ability to show me that effort?  Or am I wasting my time with a cheerleader who merely likes my company and the benefits it comes with?  Maybe they're only lukewarm on what I have to offer, but because I've made it so easy to do business with me, they haven't had to negotiate and put some skin in the game?

I think sometimes my own eagerness to present myself as open, honest, and willing to work with them is my own undoing.  I see women be unavailable, harsh, and even downright cruel to men - and the part I truly don't understand is: IT WORKS.  For years I've told myself that "those relationships can't possibly last, the one where the girl made the guy step and fetch and she just kicked him in the nards anyway and he kept coming back for more.  No way will that last.  One day he'll realize that, ummmm, SHE'S A BITCH, and get gone."  But as with sales, the rule seems to be that the end justifies the means.  So it doesn't matter how you land 'em, just do what you gotta do to reel 'em in.  

Problem is, I just can't get behind that.  I'm not cruel.  I have no desire for a man who would take really ANY level of abuse from me and come back for more.  Does that mean I don't want to be pursued?  Absolutely not.  I'd love for somebody to be so smitten with me that they'd crawl nekkid through crushed glass and/or sharp-edged copier paper just to drink a cup of my bathwater and snack on my toenail clippings.  (Okay, maybe not *that* extreme, but you get my gist.  Every girl wants a guy who would go through hell to win - EARN, really -  her favor.)

Is it a power struggle?  Is it the size of my ego vs. his ego?  People loooove to tell others that "you have 'low self esteem'", or "you don't see how awesome you really are", or "you place too low a value on yourself" when you don't step directly on the necks of men who are interested in you.  I am not an unintelligent woman, nor do I have low self-esteem.  I'm no supermodel/rocket scientist/brain surgeon, but I think I'm a pretty good fucking catch.  Scratch that, I KNOW I am.  I don't feel the need to oversell myself to ANYDAMNBODY.  I am the original WYSIWYG interface.  (Google it, non-nerds.)  Beyond maybe a little creative makeup and cute clothes to wrap the package, I don't engage in any kind of artifice or game playing that would mislead a guy.  I think I'm good enough, valid enough, interesting enough, to merit somebody's full attention just as I am.  I may deflect a compliment instead of graciously accepting it once in a while, but that's just good old-fashioned humility, not low self-esteem.  

But a pattern seems to be emerging, and I don't like it.  I always seem to be the one playing the sales role.  Even when I'm not looking to make a 'sale' (meaning have a serious relationship).  In casual relationships that are still in early stages, I find myself feeling like the one that is always waiting for the phone to ring, wondering where I stand in the rankings.  

Which circles back to the statement "if you don't know you're winning, you're not."

Let's delve deeper into the sales process and see if there's more parallels, or a vital step I'm skipping.  

Because I'm a nerdgirl, let's do qualification of the customer and deal and follow the sales process, quasi-flow-chart style.

RUN PROCESS:

Early Discovery stage: Are they looking for a product in my market space? Are they willing to eventually have a committed relationship once we decide we are right for each other?  Because I know I'm a serial monogamist, that's really the only product I have to offer.  Eternal undefined kinda-dating arrangements are not on my menu, sorry.  "Friends with 'benefits'" rarely actually benefit anybody - this is a cheap, transactional non-relationship that might work for a minute but ultimately just leaves you feeling emotionally depleted and empty.  And cheap, for not charging the full price of entry into your life - an actual commitment.  I am looking for an enterprise-business-sized deal, strategic in nature, not transactional. 

If no, terminate program, and be glad you learned that deal-breaker early in the process.

If yes, proceed to next question.

Secondary Discovery stage: Is there funding ready to pay for it? How much work, sacrifice, and compromise are they willing to put into having a relationship?  Will they meet me halfway on things, or is it "my way or the highway" with them?  They need to be willing to fully commit when the time is right, no secrets, no side chicks, no secret texts or dating website accounts held on reserve 'just in case'.  No misrepresenting your relationship status behind my back or on social media to keep your fan club hanging on or guessing if you're available.  It's all in or bust, buddy.  Discovery is the stage where tons and tons of questions need to be asked, but at the 10,000 foot level.  Don't drill too far down on minor details now (you can argue about threadcount later, trust me on that.), just make sure the important stuff matches up here.

If no, terminate program, have minor temper tantrum about the rash of selfish men unwilling to commit to a serious relationship that are plaguing the world right now.  Then fix your hair and makeup, get a drink, and move on.  You probably dodged a bullet.

If yes, proceed to next question.

Technical Assessment:  Is there a match between their needs and the product I am offering?  Do we want the same things, and are we able to meet each others' needs?  If they only want a shot of espresso, and I'm offering a big, fluffy full-fat-mocha-latte-half-caf-extra-whip-frappuccino, that might seem appealing at first and they might try it out, but ultimately it's just going to be too much for them.  That doesn't mean it isn't a delicious offering, it's just not the one they're in the market for.  Or they're not ready for it yet.  If his definition of a committed relationship means he wants to see you 6 nights a week, but yours requires more space, that is sad but incompatible, and ultimately will be a functional mis-match, no matter what you think you feel for each other.  And if his definition of a relationship includes bachelor-party-like weekends where he mysteriously 'forgets to charge his phone' and goes dark on you, and yours requires daily communication, that just won't work, and you both deserve to have someone who accepts and honors your respective requirements.

If no, terminate program.  Cry a lot over the injustice of life and love, avoid chick flicks for a month, lose weight from not having enough energy to boil rice, then realize you look fabulous and go out there and do it all again.  Just pick better this time.

If yes, proceed to next question.

Go/No-Go.  This is the pivot point, where the decision is made to move forward into procurement, or an optional (but recommended) Proof of Concept or Paid Pilot event to further ensure a good fit.  This is also where you should test your Champion.

If no, terminate program.  Drink heavily.  When recovered from hangover and feeling less salty, review the play and look for the flaws so you can avoid them next time.  

If "maybe, but I think we need more information before making an investment", proceed to Proof of Concept event.

If "maybe, but we are willing to make some investment to be really REALLY sure", proceed to Paid Pilot event.

If yes, go pick out your rings.  Congratulations.  Try not to become a failed implementation, a.k.a. "divorce statistic".

Proof of Concept event (POC).  This is basically an extended test-drive.  Basically, living together with no firm commitment beyond sharing the rent, a bed, and maybe a starter pet.  (I recommend a goldfish.  They're not notoriously easy to anthropomorphize, so if the POC fails and there's a breakup, you won't fight over who gets to keep him or need to make visitation arrangements for a damn fish.  It'll just die in a few weeks anyway, I'm sure.  If it dies before you break up, consider that an advanced POC where you get to see how each of you deal with death and/or failure.  Bonus!)  

Paid Pilot event.  This is a step with some investment (engagement) towards full procurement (marriage).  Pick your ring (unless he is pure awesome and knows exactly what you like and picks it out FOR you as a surprise and it's perfect.), move in to some neutral territory (not his bachelor pad or your ex-husbands house that you kept...this is a fresh, clean start for both of you to pave the way for optimal results.  Do it right.) and obtain a more lovable starter pet than the one used in the POC (something with fur and a lifespan of more than 10 minutes).  

If unsuccessful, start reviewing apartment ads.

If successful, move forward into procurement.

If the result is "not sure, still need more information", YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS DEAL. See instructions for "unsuccessful", above. 

Procurement.  This is the real deal.  Fully committed, no backing out now.  Engaged, buying property together, and actually planning the wedding.  Review respective procurement processes to ensure compatible timelines.  How long is it acceptable for the purchase order to sit on the desk in the inbox?  Do you both want to get married NOW NOW NOW, or do you want to plan?  Set proper expectation as to how long each of you feels it is appropriate to stay engaged and tolerating snide comments from nosy friends and relatives that like to say things like, "you STILL haven't picked a date...?!" with raised eyebrows and a pointed look that says, "oh, honey, he's not walking down that aisle with you, poor thing doesn't know the signs yet..."

If unsuccessful due to inability to commit to date, one of you has cold feet and was not completely honest in the Go/No-Go Event stage.  That person is a liar.  Maybe not deliberately malicious, but a liar nonetheless.  The other person is going to be pissed for a while, but will eventually be grateful they dodged the bullet.

If successful, congratulations.  Try not to become a statistic.

END RUN

Ok, so I'm sure the non-nerd amongst you are thinking that it's kind of harsh, unromantic, and/or shitty to compare the process of buying software to finding your life's partner.  But is it really that different?  IS IT?  I didn't think so.  So maybe I omitted all the romantical parts.  I wasn't really trying to explore that stuff.  When it's there, you know it's there.  It's the process I wanted to delve into, to figure out which of these steps I'm skimping on.  (And in the sake of full disclosure, I have made it through the "Procurement" stage twice already.  And became a statistic both times.  Just FYI.)  

Am I skimping at the Discovery stage?  I have to think that could be one of the places I'm falling down on the job.   I think I'm ok at the early discovery, but falling down on secondary discovery.  What are they willing to invest?  I think I meet people more than halfway, thinking that surely my generosity and reasonably priced product will be an attractive package.  But years of marketing research has shown that despite how much some people love a deal, with actual high-end products, people think they have more value when they cost more.  Think Gucci, Prada, Lamborghini, Dior, Rolex...these are all highly desirable brands that people pay more for.  Sure, you could get a T-Shirt from Express and still be wearing clothes, or driving a Yugo and have a car.  But for those who want more, they will invest more.  And generally not ask for a discount, as they know that the best doesn't come cheaply.  That's why everybody wants it, but few can have it.

So that seems to be part of my problem.  Maybe I do lower my price of admission - not because I don't think I'm worth more - I absolutely do - but because I haven't seen many buyers in my price range.  Holding out until somebody with a fatter emotional wallet comes by and wants me in their life for the right reasons, and is willing to jump through any hoops to obtain that (within reason, of course). 

I also could be dropping the ball by not drilling down deeply enough in the Technical Assessment period.  When someone shows interest in me, my good-natured (and apparently oblivious) self believes that surely their idea of a commitment is the same as mine.  It frequently isn't, and we don't find out until it's too late and somebody gets hurt.

I know for a fact that I completely skipped the Paid Pilot the last few times around.  I did a POC, but didn't really pull back and evaluate how it was going during the process.  I just plowed through it and charged straight into Procurement.  FAIL.

So I guess I just answered my own questions.  It looks so simple when you flowchart it out.  Why does it have to be so complex in real life?  

I know the answer to that, too.  Because feelings get involved.  He's cute, and/or funny, and/or smart, and your judgement gets clouded.  Even though maybe your guy meets 95% of your requirements perfectly, there could be one factor that is out of place that will ensure you build your marital house on a cracked and shaky foundation, doomed to fail eventually.  But you WANT it to work, dammit, look how good everything is...surely we can overcome...?

No.  I think if you don't do due diligence at the beginning to make sure you're in 100% lockstep on the big issues, walking side by side, instead of one striding ahead and the other struggling desperately to keep up, it won't work.  Oh, you might stay together out of sheer stubbornness or denial or laziness, but you won't be happy.  And eventually, like a liquid seeking level, one of you will slip out of that crack in the foundation to find someone else who fills in the gaps.  It's only natural to seek the one who truly compliments and supports us.  (I don't like to say "completes us", because I think we need to be fairly complete before we can successfully partner with someone else.)

*sigh*

I should feel accomplished, hashing out all of this in the wee hours of the night after returning from an 8-day road trip.  I should have been exhausted and just gone to bed.  I'm coming down with a cold and feel lousy, and I know it will only be worse when I finally wake up tomorrow.  It's 5 am and my eyes are crossing.  Alas, too many factors are at work in my brain right now to let that happen.  I felt compelled to sort this out on paper (ok, pixels) just to hopefully extract it from my brain.  Not sure how successful I was, this really only gave me more clarity on *me*, when what I really need now are answers that I can't provide on my own.  I may be emotional, but as a geek I am also highly logical.  Almost Boolean.  I like to know if something is on or off.  Where are the curbs.  Is there an SOP?  I need to know which swim lane is mine so I can stay in it.  No guessing.  I have better things to use my mental bandwidth on than trying to be a human crystal ball.

It may be time to insert a feedback loop into my currently running process.  The mere thought of having to face a process termination command because of incompatible feedback is looming large and dark on my horizon right now, and I guess I'm lingering in the discovery phase to avoid having to face it.

But its shadow is starting to eclipse some of the good stuff and I don't want to live in the shadows.  Guess it's time for me to (wo)man up.  Stay tuned.

  

the ELLIPSIS OF DOOM!!! (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

If you're not an iPhone user, that meme may not make any sense to you.  But if you are, you know EXACTLY what it's saying, right?  In the same way that much of our technology today has created a planet full of instant gratification junkies, the iMessage application on an iOS device has this horrible, wonderful feature that I love/hate.  While the person you are texting to is typing back to you, you see an ellipsis (...) pop up (provided they also are on an iOS device).  It's like a little visual Pavlov's bell.  If you even remotely give a shit about what this person might say, instead of going about your business and doing whatever else it is you have to do at that moment, you are riveted to your little glowing screen, mouth watering, wondering, "what are they going to say!?" or "why is it taking them so long to respond?!" or, what Arnold is squinting about above, "WTF! Why didn't they respond yet? I saw the dots pop up so I know they were typing SOMETHING!!".  It can be maddening.  Especially when you realize how easily it can hook you in.  It's like a little hit of dopamine in your brain, and becomes very addicting.  Especially if this is somebody you are flirting with, or want to impress.  It creates an even higher level of anticipation, and some evil genius at Apple knew that and went there anyway.  Bastard.

I've decided to think of them as "the ellipsis of DOOM" from now on.

The "ellipsis of DOOM" are on my mind not just because I have completely fallen victim to them (which I have), but because it's an ever-present reminder of how I'm living in an anticipatory state instead of the present state.  I think this is me creating my own stress, and I really need to get a grip on it.

I have become aware of it because the same exact message has started popping up in random places.   Friends and family are saying it to me, it shows up multiple times in my facebook feed, Pinterest seems to have an abundance of that SAME message on every board I browse, my facialist (who barely speaks english) even says it to me.  Like, I know I can be stubborn, but ALRIGHT ALREADY, Universe I get it.  I'm supposed to

BE HERE NOW!!!

and

ENJOY THIS MOMENT! THIS ONE RIGHT HERE!

Blerg.  I'm exhausted from being beaten about the head and shoulders with this message. I'm doing my best.  That's all I got.  See, the problem is, I'm in flux in a bunch of different situations, and as exciting and fast-paced as everything is, I just don't like it.  It's uncomfortable.

What I'm learning about myself is that my comfort zone is either before something begins, like in the planning stages, or when it's complete and I can relax.  While the actual execution of the event is happening, it's a blur, I'm in 'action' mode, and can't seem to relax, much less take a deep breath and consciously enjoy.  Like hosting a party.  I love the planning stages - "this is going to be the best party EVAH!" and "OMG look at this menu!".  The actual party itself will be hectic, filled with trips to the kitchen and bar, making sure everyone is having a good time (apparently except myself, although being a good hostess makes me happy, ergo, a good time).  Then the post-party cleanup is a much less hectic pace, spent slowly cleaning and reviewing the good time CLEARLY had by all based on the party shrapnel left all around the house. 

Same could be said about running a 5k.  It's exciting to plan it, the running itself is kind of torturous, even though I know I'll feel awesome afterwards when all is done.

The problem is, I feel the same way about relationships and dating.  To put a finer point on it, I'm good at relationships - I have no problem making a commitment and sticking to it.  But I truly SUCK at dating.  That's right, I suck at it and admit it.  I don't like it, I'm not good at it, it makes me uncomfortable, and the whole process is a special kind of hell for me, even when the guy is A-ok.  Actually, the better the guy is, the worse the dating period is for me anytime we're not actually together.  My logical brain starts trying to organize this gelatinous, undefined mass of feelings and emotions and excitement into something it either isn't yet or might never be, and that's where I get myself into trouble.  It's called overthinking, and I really need to stop doing it. 

I'm most comfortable either completely single, with no attachments or love interest, or fully committed and comfortably inside the confines of a relationship, where the rules are clear.  There's at least two problems I have with the dating scenario.  One, is that everybody puts on their best personality to present to the other, instead of just being who they really are.  This takes energy, people.  Energy I don't have.  So instead, I choose to just be me, and I come across as a very intense, kind of scary, military trained, tool-wielding, loud-laughing crazy cat lady/biker chick/househead who likes to make your house look pretty and fix all your computer woes.  And uh, yeah...I scare 'em all away.  Go figure.  I know, that's no way to 'snag a man', but here's the thing...I'm not really trying to 'snag a man'.  I don't want a man that I have to trick into liking me.  (And NO, I don't consider the magic I perform with makeup every day to be trickery, dammit.  That's more of a public service.  Shut up.)  As a matter of fact, I'm ok without a man at all, hence my inability to give enough of a shit to work up the energy to do a soft-shoe around an awkward dinner date with someone I'm not even sure I want to bother to impress.  Harrumph.

The second problem, once we're past the whole "yeah, I'm a weirdo and I own it.  Oh, you're still here?" phase, is the lack of definition of terms once you're past the first few encounters.  I think this comes from my analytical, boolean computer-geek personality.  To my brain (and apparently, heart), things should be "on" or "off".  Easy to understand.  Even though I am contradictorily also a big fan of 'grey areas', I don't like to reside in them.  I like to view them from the safe, well-defined platform of either black or white and discuss them in theory.  But the longer I'm spending in this grey area, I'm starting to understand why it's necessary, and even good.  Time does reveal things.  Gives you a chance to get to know each other in various situations.  Space to think about whether you (and they) want to deal with the particular flavors of dysfunction, insecurity, and weirdness brought to the table by both parties.  Whereas when you're impulsive and jump into things quickly, you can sometimes find yourself in too deep, already sucked into the quicksand.  Bailing on the other person in there with you at that point would make you a bad human being, so you just go down in flames with them, stubbornly believing you made a sound decision and you just need to ride it out.  (Not that I'm speaking from experience here or anything.)

The thing is, it could be that at the time you made that decision, it WAS sound - based upon the evidence you had collected up to that point.  But if you only spent a few weeks  collecting that information, that's a mighty small collection to be basing important life decisions on.  Whereas a longer discovery period (as we call it in software sales) can lead to better qualified decisions.  Knowing for sure which opportunities to pursue, which juice might very well be worth the squeeze, and which ones to gently (or not) cull out of the dating pool (and/or block from FaceBook and your phone forever).

I had brunch with some very good friends the other day and we discussed this at length.  Some of my friends are single, some married, some divorced, others engaged, so it was a good round-table of different perspectives.  One of them reminded me of the saying that you have to go outside of your comfort zone to really experience anything truly amazing.  Funny how I always tell other people that, yet when I'm in my own 'discomfort zone', I just want to squirm and whine and stomp my feet and gnash my teeth until its over and I'm back to doing what I'm comfortable and experienced with.

In addition to being told to "BE HERE NOW" constantly, I have also heard "I wish I had your life, even if just for a few days" and "I live vicariously through you!" from no less than 5 close friends just in the past week.  Part of me is like, "what's up with THAT?"  But the smarter part of me is like, "wow.  That fucking ROCKS.  Drink it all in."  At which point I'm realizing that I am now telling myself to BE HERE NOW.  See? Can't get away from it.

It's difficult, what with the pace of everybody's lives, the travel, making time for fitness and friends, routine chores and maintenance, to just step back and breathe deep and look around and appreciate.  We always feel like we're not really living until we lose that last 10 lbs, or pay off that debt, or reach that next goal.  It may be cliche, but it's true:  it's the journey, not the destination that life is about.  All that hippie bullshit about being present in this moment is...well...not bullshit.  The same friend that offered me the excellent advice of going outside my comfort zone also reminded me that we never know what's going to happen next.  She recently lost a family member, and it was clearly devastating.  But every time I see her, she is smiling through her tears, and positively RADIATING with love for her friends and family.  She has fully embraced the "BE HERE NOW" that I'm struggling with, and is an amazing living example of how rewarding it can be, even if things don't go the way you want.  There is still much to appreciate and be thankful for and truly experience every moment you have to the fullest, since it can all go away in the blink of an eye.

For all I know, this present moment could be the last one I have, so I might as well enjoy the experience, and ignore the foreshadowing that the ellipsis of DOOM keeps hinting at, since all the worry in the world won't change whatever is coming next.  

...

Nana

The older I get, the more I seem able to accept some changes while at the same time becoming more resistant to others. Strangely, it's the big things in life, like moving, death of a loved one, relationship changes - that I seem to flow with and accept more readily than the small things. Morning routines, small creature comforts, etc. need to be the same or I find myself feeling out of whack.

My grandmother passed away this morning. She had a massive stroke over a week ago that seems to have banished all of her identifying personality characteristics and struck her down to just a hollow shell of a human, left only with lizard-brain functions. Just enough to emulate an emotive person behind the seemingly sightless eyes and now silent mouth, but not enough to convince us she's still really there. It was a devastating thing to witness, but while we were all horrified at what she had to suffer through, I think our real horror is knowing that if she knew that we were seeing her like this, she'd be inconsolable. I know she doesn't want to be remembered that way. Nobody would. That wasn't her, it was just the remnants. As harsh as it sounds, as soon as I saw her so incapacitated, without her hair and lipstick done, all I could think was, "go to the light, Nana! You don't want to be here anymore!" I felt like there was nothing left here for her, and I wanted her suffering to end quickly. I'm surprised that I was so analytical and accepting about it, almost detached. But I think that's because I'm not going to be selfish and mourn MY loss of a grandmother, as much as I'm glad she's not suffering now, and is back with her parents, siblings and husband, whom she has dearly missed since each one departed this earth. 

So I'm going to write about how I will choose to remember her, and hope that with enough time and Malbec, I can maybe banish the memories of her last sad days from my memory forever and replace them with all of the good ones she gave me as a child.

Nana (as we called her) was trained as a hairdresser as a young lady. And make no mistake, she was a BEAUTIFUL girl anyway. All of the siblings (her 3 sisters and one brother) in that family were very good-looking, funny, and smart. I can't remember a time ever seeing Nana without her hair done perfectly. Lipstick on, when fancied up a bit for church, but never garish or attention-seeking. She was just a very proper lady. She loved to attend church, her vegetable and flower gardens, and she loved to sing. She always fostered my love of music. She loved her birds - she would watch for hours one she called "Jenny Wren" outside of her kitchen window, and tell me all about her comings and goings. Like everybody on that side of the family, along with the good sense of humor came a very stern Austrian disciplinarian side to balance it. There was to be absolutely no bs whatsoever when you were around her or her sisters. You behaved, 100% of the time. And if you didn't, you'd get a sharp word that stung, being delivered from the lips that so frequently praised and encouraged us instead. We would do anything to stay in the sunshine of their good graces. We were fortunate enough to have moved to a house right next door to Nana and Pupa when I was 6, just as my sister was being born. So I had a built-in babysitter who was family - the perfect arrangement. Or so it seemed to me, anyway. Her very opinionated personality sometimes clashed with my mother, who was always a free spirit. But this isn't exactly a newsflash, a mother-in-law not always getting along with a daughter-in-law, especially when grandchildren were involved.

One of the funniest memories (now) is how Nana would insist we kids spend the night at her house the night before school pictures were taken so she could do our hair. Remember, she was trained in styles and techniques that were about 40-50 years older than I was. Frequently, I'd end up with a frizzy perm, bowl cut, or baby bangs for my school pictures. Between the outdated, age-inappropriate hairstyles she gave us and the hippie remnant clothes my parents were still allowing me to dress in, those pictures are just stupendous. I still hide them from people some 35 years later. But she meant well and it clearly gave her great pleasure to do that for us. 

Another good memory was that on our birthdays, we'd always get a phone call and she would sing the entire "Happy Birthday" song to us. You knew if you answered that phone call on that day, you couldn't get a word in until she was done singing. Conversely, when we called her on her birthday, she fully expected us to do the same for her. (I learned not to call her when I was with friends I might not want to sing in front of.) I could tell she always cherished those calls and took a genuine interest in what was going on in my life. In her later years, when she became hard of hearing, I know it pained her to miss out on details of what we were saying, but she was too proud to admit it. So sometimes she would either pretend to have heard what I said, or would just cut me off completely and change the subject. While at first this was frustrating, once I realized where the behavior was coming from, it just made me sad. 

Like that line from the Eagles' song "Desperado": "You're losin' all your highs and lows...". Is that what old age is? A steady, slow descent from possessing a full range of senses to that cone narrowing, giving you tunnel vision, selective hearing, and a fixation on those little things in life, like that one bird living outside your kitchen window? Is that what's happening to me already, at 41? Without my certain little rituals and routines, I feel "off"? And in a few years, maybe it will make me straight up cantankerous, and I'll start doing everything I can to avoid a disruption in my now-rigid routines?  Am I starting to lose my highs and lows from too-loud house music, or am I still hearing the full range of sound?  That stuff scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be what others (including myself) think of as "old". But here I am, accepting the death of a grandparent, a major life event, without much of a ripple in my calm (sadness aside, of course). But I'm sure I'll manage to get bent out of shape over minor travel inconveniences on my way home for the funeral, like not being able to fly on my favorite carrier or not getting an aisle seat. Apparently that's just where I am in life now.

What many people don't know about my grandmother (because it really never gets mentioned, as if it's not a factor) is that she was born with a hip problem and one leg significantly shorter than the other. Her sisters told us tales of pulling her in a wagon to school because she couldn't keep up. She wore a shoe with a 'lift' - a huge platform heel - almost all of her life. She had multiple hip replacements. She walked with a very pronounced limp and frequently, a cane. And she NEVER complained. Not once. Not about the pain, not about the inconvenience, not about how 'unfair' it is to be born crippled, not about the probable ridicule she suffered at the hands of the other children, not about having to use orthopedic shoes, not about the surgeries. She complained about NOTHING. And she had far more to complain about than most, had she felt the need to indulge herself. But she never did. She was downright stoic when it came to bearing the load she'd been given in this life. She had a family who loved her, a husband who cherished her, children and grandchildren who needed her. So she was always there to hear our little whines and gripes, but never unburdened herself to anyone that I knew of. Maybe in her prayers, but I have a feeling she wouldn't even complain in private. She lived through the Great Depression, she saw her parents work hard to provide, and she was grateful for what she had. When I start feeling sorry for myself or want to complain about the banalities of life. I need to remind myself of the role model I had in her and maybe suck it up just a little bit since clearly she was way tougher than this army chick right here.

She may not have been a perfect human being, but none of us are. She was a very good grandmother, archetypal even, and we are so fortunate to have had her in our lives. She made the best after-school peanut butter, banana and honey sandwiches ever, and sometimes those little creature comfort routines really are the important things in life.

Rest in peace, Nana. I will see you in every bird that sings and flower that blooms.

dodging bullets

Have you ever felt like life was just an exercise in dodging bullets?  Metaphorical ones, of course (for most of us); the situations that come screaming at us too fast to fully analyze, but we're forced to choose a course of action and live with the consequences anyway?  Sometimes we don't even get a chance to make the choice; the gun is behind us, and by the time you hear the report of the shot echoing through the room, its path has already been carved through your life regardless of the plans you already had in place.

Sometimes when it happens, you can't believe your luck.  I mean, clearly, who wants to be shot, right?  You can see it right at the moment it happens, like a near miss in a car accident.  "Phew, glad I'm ok!"  But other times, that bullet might be disguised as something else, something actually desirable.  Something you might want to be hit with, like a tossed bouquet of flowers, some kind of love bomb.  You are all lined up to receive it, and BAM! some completely average-looking heifer leaps in front of you and intercepts YOUR bouquet.  You hate her for it, you are hurt and indignant and feel left out since you just *know* it had been destined to be all yours, not hers.  It's only after days (weeks, months) of tears and self-pity that you look in the rearview mirror and realize that the shrapnel and fallout from that love bomb would have messed you up so much more than you could have anticipated.  That "average-looking heifer" was your new BFF from the universe, taking a bullet for you because you didn't recognize it for what it was, so blinded you were from the glare coming off of its tip.

I missed a big one last week, .50 caliber at least.  My company had a RIF (Reduction in Force), and a rather large one at that.  After years of acquisitions, we had a lot of duplication of roles and were becoming top-heavy.  Cuts had to be made to keep us running in a lean and efficient manner, and management emphasized that those cuts were not a reflection on individual performance.  While I understand the need for these types of actions, and have survived dozens of them in my career, each one is like a tremor that cracks the foundation you are standing on.  I have left companies in the past because even though I knew I was a valued contributor, watching good friends (including some who I felt did a better job than me) lose their jobs in a seemingly arbitrary manner was creating some kind of corporate PTSD in me that I just couldn't live with. (See earlier blog post about this very thing here.)  Paranoia enters, which is the best fertilizer for growing self doubt.  Once you are doubting your security, you become hyper-aware of every nuance of your coworkers:  did my boss just surreptitiously roll his eyes at me?  Did that salesweasel who hates me because I have ovaries throw me under the bus?  Did my coworker rat me out because I don't have a decade of experience with our product?  Am I going to be cut because I'm "geographically undesirable"?  Next thing you know, you're sporting new baggage under your eyes and are too tired to work because you're losing sleep due to all the insecurities the situation has created.  Now you really ARE in danger of being cut, RIF or not, because your performance is slipping.  It's a negative cycle that I'd like to avoid, but this seems impossible to do in corporate America, particularly in software companies where the ebb and flow of industry trends, acquisitions and mergers, and the whim of seemingly capricious upper-level management all combine to control the next tremor.

This was the first major action of its kind since I've been at this company for the past 3.5 years.  The only thing I know for sure at this point is that it won't be the last.  The smartest thing I could do is have a fallback plan, just in case, but the mere thought of opening that particular pandora's box is exhausting - polishing up the resume, fielding calls and emails from scads of recruiters...ugh.  I'm just not motivated.  I'll be having lunch with my boss tomorrow, and I'm sure he'll be as reassuring as possible whilst not going too far and outright lying to me about job security.  One of the things we plan on discussing is a possible plan for me to spend more time in the beltway to be more accessible to the team.  My idea, not his.  (Although they have been haranguing me to relocate back to the area since my divorce, I've put them off every time.  After this RIF, I'm suddenly more willing to entertain the idea...)  

Lately I've been wondering if the universe isn't conspiring to somehow pull me back to the beltway for some future event or situation not yet on my radar.  After escaping my second shitty marriage (both of which I consider to be bullets I took the full force of but recovered from, stronger and wiser), I pulled some Matrix shit and dodged a few more, and the universe definitely helped me out there.  Some I was smart enough to dodge on my own, others, I had to be shoved roughly out of the way of, scraping my knees and elbows on the way down and taking one hell of a bruise on the ego to avoid.  But it worked.  I'm currently bullet-free, left only with some scar tissue and lessons learned to protect me from future shooting sprees.  Not only am I bullet-free, I'm just FREE.  Single.    Unfettered.  Unattached to anything except the house and financial responsibilities I'm tied to in Jacksonville.  It feels good!  It's been a long time since those major winds of change blew in my direction, and spurred me to put on my gypsy outfit and start thinking about what I really want and where I really want to go/be/do.  That particular breeze is definitely back, blowing my hair back and ruffling my skirt.  Feels good to be restless again, and so fitting that it always seems to happen in Spring, when nature herself is already changing things for the better.

The last time I lived in the beltway started out as a rough time in my life, became one of the BEST times in my life, then ended without fanfare as I moved to Miami with my starter husband, onto bigger and better (well, at least warmer) things.  Despite it all, I really have nothing but fond memories of my time in DC.  It's an amazing, dynamic city.  Over the past few years, I have also been fortunate enough to continue to travel there for work and maintain my friendships with some very important people in my life, and even make new friendships I'd like to explore and possibly develop further.  Is this why work has been pressuring me so much?  I need to be there for next steps to happen for my career or personal life?  Or is Jacksonville, although geographically the largest city in the U.S., just too backwater to contain me?  (Wow, that sounded pompous.  Sorry, but after living in two major markets, there's really no other way to express that thought.)

Of course I don't have those answers yet, and I won't pretend to.  What I've learned up to now is the best thing I can do is pursue opportunities when they are presented to me, even if they seem difficult or unlikely to pan out.  The only regrets I have are the things I haven't done or given a chance, and I don't want to start having those now.  

Gotta go, I have a suitcase to pack.  My plane leaves in a few hours, and I want to be prepared for whatever comes out of the firing chamber next.

        

  

oh, horoscope.

The Libra horoscope for today (according to my iphone app) says: 

"If love is forever, how can it be that people who were once deeply in love can grow apart and stop loving each other after many years together?  You may now be pondering whether you truly love someone, or whether someone truly loves you.  If a relationship ends, was it never for real?  That question cannot be answered in this small space, or perhaps in any way for certain.  Just know this, Libra:  Love is a living thing.  To keep it going you must feed it and nurture it.  To keep focusing on whether it's real or not will only frustrate you.  Do your best to keep it alive, and if it dies anyway, then take your love someplace where it can flourish."

Hmmmm.

Interesting and very apropos topic for me these days.  Things have been getting much better for me on the 'love' front recently.  Just the lack of pain and disappointment has been a refreshing change and I quite like it.  The old "time heals all wounds" thing, I suppose.  Also, distance from a situation gives perspective.  I have been thinking about past failed relationships a lot lately, even discussing and analyzing some of them quite openly with a friend, at the risk of being judged by him as unfit for future dating.  We were both being brutally honest about the mistakes we've made in the past, and not necessarily looking to judge each other but I think instead show that we can acknowledge that we're not perfect and take responsibility for the less-than-awesome things we've done to other human beings as a result of love gone somehow wrong.  As if to say, "see?  I've done THIS before, and I can learn a lesson...I won't do it again, I promise."  

But is that really true?  I mean, I have no doubt that as humans, our intent is good.  Nobody enters into a new relationship WANTING it to slide into boring complacency, or plummet into resentful jealousy.  It just *happens*.  So what's the magic sauce to keep that from occurring...again?  Just happening to find the right partner?  Enough experience on the parts of both partners to have made the big mistakes in the past, and we've run out of heinous fuck-ups to commit against each other this time?  Or just so much chemistry and attraction, and being on the same wavelength, with similar goals and values, that it never runs out of steam?  

I hate to say that I've seen more failed relationships than successful ones, but sadly, it is true.  Mathematically, it kind of makes sense, the whole 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince' thing.  But I will say that for those relationships that seem to stand the test of time, it's inspiring.  I know some couples whose attraction for each other is still palpable even after 10+ years.  Others who still pal around like best friends, with decades of inside jokes between them.  I'll be honest - I want that.  I want the jokes, the glances, the shared Sunday morning routines, the comforting embraces in rough times.  But more than that, I think I just want to know that sometimes relationships actually work - that those happy couples really ARE happy after all that time.  No, everything isn't perfect, of course, life is difficult and shit happens frequently.  But it would be tremendously comforting to know for sure that after years of getting it wrong, we can finally find that one person who is right for us.

But is there only one person for each of us?  I don't know if I believe that.  I don't know that I ever did.  It's kind of a Disneyesque concept that I never really bought into.  I always say, "there's a lid for every pot, and sometimes more than one."  But any cook can tell ya, there's a lot of lids that you THINK fit your pot until things really get boiling, then the leaks show.  Steam seeps out around the ill-fitting edges.  Your stovetop ends up a mess from all the drips.  It just isn't working towards the end the way it did in the beginning.  And there's no way to know it's going to fall apart until you heat things up to a boil and test it, I guess.  Which means taking the risk.  Taking the chance on that new lid, knowing that your cooktop could be sullied and stained, perhaps permanently.  Stains and scars both fade away, but not completely.  Some of them will always leave a shadow reminder of how it got there, perhaps as a reminder not to do it that way again.  Until they fade away it feels like a reminder not to do it again at all.  

But time heals those scars and fades those stains, and the once-again clean slate compels us to try yet another lid.  I think that's the very essence of human nature, knowing the likelihood of failure is high, based on past experience, but doing it again anyway.

Not to be defeatist, but I have kind of concluded that it might not be reasonable for me to think, yet again, "THIS IS THE ONE!" and expect it to last for the rest of my life, when Mr. Wonderful appears in my life.  Is it more realistic of me to just think, "ok, I'm gonna give it another try, and go all in (as I am wont to do), but if it crests then plummets noticeably as other relationships in the past have, just be thankful for the good time we did have together, cut bait, and call it a day"? Is that jaded?  And am I really "all in" if I don't fully have the expectation to stick with it forever?  

Maybe I just rushed things in the past.  (As I am also wont to do.  Always.)  Ok, let me call myself out on that - I (well, WE) definitely rushed things in the past.  Not out of desperation of any sort, frequently it was a combination of situational factors and lack of experience that led to a hasty commitment.  Didn't let the pot get to a full boil before committing to that particular lid.  

As much as I always want to jump in with both feet (no matter how hot I know the water to be), I do learn from experience, and I have learned that when something looks SO promising, like an incredibly tempting fluffy dessert, it's so much sweeter when you wait for it.  Make sure it has the exact flavors you're craving, and you're fully primed to appreciate it before digging in greedily.  Stand back and look at it, create an unforgettable visual imprint.  Smell it, inspect it from every angle, turning it around slowly.  Not to find fault in it and criticize it, but rather to appreciate it for exactly what it is before savoring it slowly, and realizing that it not only meets but exceeds all expectations, because you made sure it was exactly the right one for you right now.

I suddenly want cake...

but I guess I'll wait this time.