and now back to our regularly scheduled program of travel woes and general saltiness...

Now that I have put this emotionally grueling year full of shitty non-boyfriends and their emotional assholery behind me (yeah, I finally found a good one, of course when I was specifically NOT looking or even wanting one, of course, I find the most amazing guy EVAR, lucky me!), I can go back to kvetching about *other* things I truly despise that suck the life out of me.  Like the airlines.

As I type this, I am 30,000 feet in the air (as usual, or so it seems) on a cross-country flight.  This one for personal reasons, not work, for a change.  (Yay!)  As ready as I usually am to get home after an extended period away, I have been dreading the return flight.  I knew I wouldn't be lucky enough to get a cross-country first class upgrade, since I got one on the way out, so I knew I'd be back in cattle class.  The nickname "cattle class" is not a reflection on those who buy those seats (since I'm obviously one of them), but rather a reflection of how the airline industry treats us to turn a profit. 

I have frequently bemoaned the lack of both traveler space and couth on airplanes (remember this gem of a post/rant?), but a quick google turned up a very interesting article here about the airlines' justification and origins of design of the passenger seats currently in use.  

The article reveals that current seat widths were based on the average man's hip width measurement.  

Wait, what?

Men don't have 'real' hips.  Not noticeable ones, anyway.  And that's not the widest part of the body (for most of us) - the shoulders are.

So, also as I type this, I am forced to engage in some VERY unintentional shoulder frottage with my seat-neighbor.  Who by all appearances does not appear to be much larger than average (but really, should these seats which are meant to accommodate ALL passengers be designed only to accommodate the bare minimum of the average traveler size and leave those who skew larger out in the cold?  Or, um, overlapping their neighbors?  That's shitty.), but somehow just by sitting normally in his seat has managed to take up enough shoulder space in MY seat that I have felt forced to lean to the right (for once in my life, heh heh heh) and into the aisle.  

Having back and neck issues, it is already uncomfortable enough for me to fly.  But when I have to minimize myself to fit into the space left over for me, despite probably having paid the same or more for my ticket, I get shitty real quick.  I've tried not to huff and puff and roll my eyes or play unnecessary games of elbonics with this dude (and many others on the countless flights I have to take for work), but at the end of the day, it JUST ISN'T FAIR.

And don't get it twisted - this isn't a 'fat rant'.  I fucking HATE when people are judgmental and sizeist.  This seat sizing isn't fair to many people who are not morbidly obese (and even if they were, so what?  There's no human law saying we all need to be the same damn size, so get over yourself already.).  Some people are just blessed (cursed?) with a wide shoulder spread.  I happen to be one of them, when compared to the average woman.  Yes, I've been told I'm 'statuesque' (among other things).  Hooray.  I've been told by partners that, "one day, I hope to have shoulders like yours.' (And no, that did NOT win him any favor with me.  In fact, it got him some severe side-eye and a night on the sofa.)   I'm also hard to buy clothes for, and apparently impossible to comfortably fit in a coach airline seat on USAirways flights.

Another issue I believe may be at play here is societal gender roles.  I am well aware of the fact that many men feel completely entitled to sit down and spread out as far as they possibly can, since that is what boys are taught from infancy.  They are entitled to their space in their world, whereas women are taught to be quiet, meek, polite, and almost invisible (yeah, that didn't stick with me, fortunately my family gave me different - better - messaging: that I am equal to everybody else and just as entitled to exist as they are -  and I followed that instead of society's oppressive messaging).  I see it over and over again when a guy plops down in a seat near me on an airplane and immediately spreads his knees as far apart as possible, as if he's got some magnets of opposite polarity fighting it out and is absolutely entitled to that space.  Then he will proceed to take over the elbow rests, and sit back forcibly enough to blast me out of my seated position with his shoulders and won't even apologize for the intrusion.  I am left, as society expects, to wedge myself uncomfortably sideways in my seat lest I be seen as a difficult bitch.  

So WTF, airline industry?  I've read another article stating that passengers who continue to troll for cheap airline tickets DESERVE to be herded like the cattle they (we) are, and that we should pony up more $ if we want bigger seats.  Really?  Do we have this problem on public transportation too? Metro cars?  Buses?  No, just the private for-profit airline industry.  It's SHITTY.

I know that ranting on my tiny little blog won't change anything in the industry, but it's like a temper tantrum - I had to kick my feet and slam my virtual fists into something until I tired myself out.  We're landing now, so I guess my tantrum is over.  But hopefully some readers will at least have more awareness of the space they take up in this world and can be more self-aware of possibly intruding upon someone else's in the future.

straight from the front lines of Douchebagistan

I found someone who has the answers.  I am no longer seeking the "why", no longer feel bad, like "less than", or sorry that it ended.  Apparently, it was never real to begin with, and this is a common occurrence for narcissists who actually believe their own rap.   

Click here to read an excellent blog post on baggagereclaim.com that describes a narcissist in detail - and reads like a personality inventory of the last guy I dated.

So I guess now I have a lot more reading to do to make sure that I don't allow another douchebag, sociopath, or narcissist anywhere near my heart and my life.

Thanks, universe, for helping me dodge yet another bullet.  And thanks to ME, for loving myself enough to call him out on his BS (even if it took me a hot minute to get around to it) because I know I deserve better treatment.  I'm worth it.


Fin.


=^.,.^=

more bitter than sweet

You know what really sucks?  When bad things happen to good people.  You know what strangely seems to suck even worse?  When good things happen to good people, but because of some stupid shit you don't even understand, the person you want and need to share it with isn't there for you anymore.  So instead of it being the biggest, most joyous moment in your life that you immediately know who to speed dial and share it with, you just kind of float in space for a minute acknowledging, "wow, this is major.  Like, HUGE.  Could change everything.  Who do I call to tell about it?"  Then instead of rejoicing over what feels like it could be a huge triumph (even if it is only the rumblings of a new beginning), you get caught in this seemingly never-ending hamster wheel of wistful emotions that bring you down, and instead of dealing with anything proactively you pick at the hair follicles on your arms and legs until you are sore, swollen, and bleeding because that's what you do when everything is too much and you're in an anonymous, generic hotel room in a city that's not yours anymore and you just don't know where to turn.  Real healthy, right?  Way to cope, JC.

Sure, I have plenty of good (great, actually) friends who end up being top on that list, not to mention my family.  They have been with me every step of the way too.  But when you had that one person who did more than just encourage you - they played devil's advocate, reminded you of the things you didn't want to think about, set false deadlines for you to get your lazy/overwhelmed/scared ass moving - and now they're not there to share this with, get their reaction to it, their guidance on it...it just sucks.

And yeah, I'm mad at myself for feeling that way.  I know that I don't need a guy's approval to be proud of my own accomplishments (especially a guy whose very quality as a human being is highly suspect in my mind right now).  I built this thing by myself, and will execute it and enjoy it by myself too, but for a while there, I felt like I had a partner.  Support.  Beyond just, "go team!", which is super sweet, but we all know that constructive criticism (when given kindly) is far more helpful than just a pat on the back, since it helps you correct your own course.

Maybe I'm just scared to start this venture on my own.  It's true, I haven't technically been on my own, uh, ever in my adult life.  Libras are nesters and nurturers by nature, we like to pair up with a partner.  And since I always seem to find (or be found by) someone within weeks of being available, and am loathe to pass up the opportunity to finally have possibly met that person who could be my perfect compliment, I always take the risk instead of playing it safe or sticking to some self-imposed "timeline" that I think I need to follow.  When someone is worth paying attention to, I pay it, since that opportunity may pass if I ignore them now, and having the right life partner is more important to me than how quickly I achieve any material goals.  However, just because I've been in a relationship with someone doesn't mean I've had a partner that whole time.  I've been more lonely inside of an unfulfilling relationship than I was when I was actually single and alone and feeling good.  So despite having been 'attached' for most of my adult life, I am a very independent person who gets things done on her own most of the time.

But maybe this is just me finally moving from the denial and anger stages into acceptance and grieving the loss of what felt like a best friend on many levels.  Major news, even good news, can disrupt the calm in your emotional pond and bring all sorts of things to the surface that maybe were lurking just beneath the glass-smooth exterior that was there before someone chucked a stone into your emotional waters.  And now you have to deal with not just the effect of the good ripple, but the negative effect of the emotions you back-burnered out of hope you wouldn't ever *have* to deal with them, because either the situation gets better due to external forces (which I know it won't.  If after 3 weeks of dead silence somebody doesn't give enough of a damn about your wellbeing to reach out to you and apologize for being a selfish dick or at least ask how your divorce court went, he is a douchebag and will never ask, because he clearly doesn't care about anybody but himself.  You just don't matter in his master plan, you were just a pleasant diversion until you got too needy and wanted in return some of what you were putting into the relationship, you unreasonable ball and chain, you.), or because you were so furiously angry that you just skipped all the other steps most people experience when they grieve a loss of some magnitude.  I was hoping for either one of those situations, but alas, I am clearly just a mere mortal and have to live the grieving process like everybody else.  There is too much evidence to the contrary for me to believe I was maliciously misled for months into thinking there was a connection there.  If I felt it was deliberate and for his entertainment, maybe I could just say, "phew, dodged another bullet there!" and happily move on, knowing the universe has better things (and people) in store for my future.  Which I'm sure it does.  But he put way too much effort into reaching out to me, talking to me for endless hours on the phone when neither of us did that with anybody else, bringing me into part of his world.  But just the part in his head, because the part in real physical life he never did introduce me to, and it was a conversation about this which lead to the demise of everything else we had built.  I'm not going to be your bff in your head and on the phone and through text but not get to meet the people in your life.  I'm nobody's dirty little secret or side chick.  I'm not THAT girl.  Fuck that.  You can bring me in, but you'd better be goddamned proud and show me off too.  Own that shit, man, or let it go for a better man to appreciate and give me my due for earning that position in your life.

Anyway, clearly there's still a lot of anger I'm dealing with and it's easy to follow it down into a rabbit hole and get derailed from my point here, which is that good things are happening but all I feel is a sort of empty melancholy.  I'm also possibly a little bit stunned, in shock that something that could be truly life-changing could actually be happening.  Maybe once I get my feet under me, I'll get some traction and just run with it and be ok because I'm in heads-down "go" mode.  But I doubt it.  Not having that one special person around, even though as I write this he is only about a half hour's drive away from me, is a constant anchor around my soul.  I thought that coming back to the beltway area for the first time since the breakup would be difficult - and it is.  I'm not enjoying it very much, but I was coping.  (Mainly through napping.  Shut up, it's my escape.)  But actually getting this good news while I was here felt like exactly what needed to happen to propel me forward into action, and instead I ran into a wall of my own emotions and it's like walking through a hot tar shower dropped off of somebody's roof.  It disorients, it burns, it smells bad, it slows you down, it's all over you, and you cannot for the life of you get rid of it as fast as you want to and the tracks of it follow you everywhere you go.

Well, at least if this is me moving through the stages of grief, at least I'm moving forward even if this is the lowest, most difficult part of the journey.  I've been through it before and I'm sure I'll go through it again.  I survived every damn time, despite feeling like I didn't care if I did or not.  And I know the sun will come up tomorrow, putting one foot in front of the other is how I've managed to get through these last few difficult weeks.  That, and the constant support of my friends who know what a crucial time this has been for me, and have been there for me, since their friendship is REAL.

I do keep trying to console myself by saying, "he got too defensive when I brought up a girl he friended on FB, and if a guy gets defensive over something that really isn't that big of a deal, he was probably creeping on some level or doing something he knew he shouldn't have been doing at that time, considering we had agreed to be exclusive some time before that went down, so therefore I don't want him anyway."  But there's lots of reasons guys get defensive, especially if they're used to being single and not questioned, or having their logic questioned.  Is that me making excuses for him?  Maybe.  Ultimately, I didn't do or ask for anything that was out of order for where we were at in the relationship HE pursued with me.  I think he got in too deep, realized there were real feelings at stake (probably more mine than his, since his actions - or lack thereof - have shown me he doesn't have any for me), and bailed the fuck out.  Thinking he is somehow 'saving' me from some worse hurt in the future.  And maybe he is, I guess I'll never know now.  It just doesn't make sense after HE spent 7 months building it up and enjoying everything I put into it, misleading me into believing he was with me every step of the way, since I let him initiate the majority of communications and even offered him an 'out' when we had the exclusivity conversation a few months ago.  

I guess because I don't believe he has fully acknowledged what really happened emotionally within himself, and his email to me did little more than shine a light on what a huge ego he has, I am having trouble moving forward the way I want to.  I want to be able to unequivocally say, "he IS a huge douchenozzle, I am better off without him in my life", and stride confidently forward into my fabulous future.  But the insights that I had into his psyche, the companionship I finally felt with someone who is on my level in many ways, felt like we were laying the foundation for something different, something really solid that neither of us have had with someone else before.  It's hard to believe that THAT person is the same one who just bailed on me in my moment of greatest need and never looked back to make sure I'm ok.  Really, dude?  Your mother would be SO proud of you for that one.  Way to represent.  Yeah, it was scary to feel like something big was being built at a less-than-opportune time in our lives, but if it was happening at that time it's because it was supposed to.  It seemed to be working for both of us.  I wasn't trying to rush it either.  We both have a lot of things to focus on, but this was a nice support system we had for each other.  I thought. 

And who knows, maybe my impending success at this new venture would have further intimidated him.  I say further because he told me at the very beginning of our relationship that I am intimidating.  It's a theme with me, apparently, I get told this ALL THE DAMN TIME by men and women alike.  I'm kind of tired of it, actually, so people, please get your shit together and be intimidated by something WORTH being intimidated by, like Godzilla.  Or doing your own taxes.  But not by me.  I'm just a person.  But apparently my successes and personality traits combine to make me somewhat formidable, and I think for some men if they feel like they're not earning and achieving on my level, that they're not comfortable with the power distribution in the relationship.  I don't really think of it that way, I think confidence is all in your head.  Ironically, one day when I was feeling insecure about something and instead of reassuring me, his voice took on an irritated tone and he condescendingly told me, "confidence is sexy", as if by having an insecurity on a bad day that meant I wasn't confident.  I quickly told him that I have no shortage of confidence overall, but once in a while human beings need a warm fuzzy from their significant other to reassure them that they aren't the only ones who think they are awesome.  Plus, there is a HUGE difference between confidence and cockiness.  Confidence is sexy.  Cockiness is off-putting, even when justified.  Try to remember that.

I know some things about myself - firstly, that I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, because I would want them to do that for me.  Maybe I'm doing that here, but I'm just going off of what I know, or thought I knew.  I had seven months' exposure to the good side in him.  This callous side of him is completely new to me and I don't know what to make of it.  I kind of don't want to believe it exists.  Part of me says I should reach out to him, respond to his shitty email.  But I'm not going to chase him and feed that damn ego that fed off of me enough already this year.  His own morals should guide him back to at least apologize to me for bailing and for the shitty timing and execution of it.  If he can't do that, ultimately, he's not worth my time, worry, or friendship.  Which is a sad, sad thought.  Because, then who the fuck *was* that I was with for seven months, and where did he go?  I miss him.  My lack of a response or communication directly to him should be enough to tell him just where I stand on all of this.

Secondly, I know that Libras have a tendency to fall in love with the very idea of being in love.  But because I am so aware of it, especially these days, I was very careful not to let myself go there and get all giddy and happy and blithely believe that this relationship was something it wasn't.  It had some very very good points, things I haven't had in any other relationship.  But it was missing some things too, which is only natural since it was new and long-distance and we were still getting to know each other.  So I tried to keep a bit of an emotional distance, not be too demanding about most of it, and give it time to see what happened.  So much for that approach.  I tried to keep my head out of the clouds, and even though I wasn't head over heels for him, I was still invested, still cared, and got burned any damn way.

Thirdly, I know I've said this before, but I'm a damn good catch.  So is he (or so I thought, until the fatal personality flaw of being completely unable to process and cope with his own emotions revealed itself, especially if he's not on any mind-altering substances at the time), but I only got to see bits and pieces he wanted to share with me so I guess I ultimately don't know what kind of a catch he is, aside from a temporary and complicated one.  But I do know myself.  I know I give my all to my partner in a relationship.  I'm willing to learn new languages, cooking skills, relocate my residence, pay all the bills, even raise other people's children if that is what the relationship requires.  I pay attention to what their (sometimes voracious, fragile) ego needs and try to feed it accordingly, giving them what they need to feel valued and appreciated by me.  Even when it isn't done in return.  I have in the past abandoned my own hobbies and pursuits for the sake of doing something my partner and I could enjoy together.  I'm always willing to try something new, but I have since learned the value of putting my own oxygen mask on first and making sure my needs are met, since when one partner struggles they both pay the price.  It hurts to feel like even though I know I'm not perfect, I'm a damn good partner, yet I just can't seem to find anybody who wants or deserves to have me in their lives in that capacity.  The Libra in me hates the unfairness of it all.  It's like all my goodness works against me.  The girls who are bitches and treat men cruelly get all the attention from the overachievers who like a challenge.  I'm not that bitch.  And as much as I love a good costume, I really don't want to have to role-play in my own life in order to attract and keep somebody.  I just want somebody to SEE me for who I am, and not be able to sleep easily at night until they do everything in their power to keep that all for themselves.  I hope he realizes that he'll need at least seven women to replace the one that I am. (Not that he'll have any trouble scoring seven women, I'm sure he's gone through that many already in the past 3 weeks, if that's what he's choosing to console himself with, if he even needs consolation.  But the cheap and easy ones just won't add up to even a fraction of what I am.)  I hope he feels my absence like a lost tooth with a sore spot his tongue can't leave alone.

Is that too much to ask, to find somebody who sees my value, digs me, and can't bear to not have me as theirs?   Maybe the fact that it hasn't happened yet is the Universe's way of telling me that it isn't my time yet.  Or that the right guy is out there but isn't ready yet.  I'm ok with being alone, but I wish the Universe would stop teasing and distracting me with these almost-good-enough guys that ultimately just end up hurting me and making me feel like a failure for no good reason.  Leave me alone to my 6 cats and red wine and books and music, will ya?  Stop with the torture already, universe.  I'm tired of it, I don't have the energy to swing the bat at your difficult pitches anymore.  I'll be lucky to get my weary ass all the way back into the protective shelter of the dugout this time.  I may just lay down in the dirt behind home base and call it a day.





















    

still on this ish.

This is still chapping my ass, predictably.  One thing in particular is sticking in my craw that I can't explain.  Maybe someone can shed some light on this, or explain it to me, because the cognitive dissonance it is causing is like white noise to my brain, and quite frankly I have better shit to be doing than churning over this bs.

Two days, a mere 48 hours before this all went sideways for reasons I still don't (and probably will never) understand, we were in his car, after having spent the day apart. He remembered (once I was there, at his apartment) that he had his sister's birthday party to attend an hour away on Saturday, and alleged that it wasn't the right time or place to introduce "a new girl" to the family.  I didn't necessarily disagree, since I wasn't trying to meet his family nor introduce him to mine, although now I see that there never was any intention - ever - to introduce me to anyone in his life.  I was filler.  Probably too old, tattooed, and divorced too many times to be proud of, or some shit like that.  Not parent-friendly material, as he had alluded to a few times.  Whatevs.  If you're at the age where you still need their approval, you're not ready any damn way.

Anyway, I had asked him if he needed a little more alone time to paint or work on whatever, since his palpable awkwardness since I showed up at his place the day before was making me feel like I was intruding on his (already vast) personal space, which was never my intention.  He actually looked at me kind of sheepishly and said, "I've been thinking about that, and I feel bad that you're here in town, and I'm being really selfish spending all this time focused on stuff I can do anytime.  You're more important to me than anything I could accomplish in a few hours on this painting."  

Wat?!!  Hark, were those angels singing?  I'm pretty sure I may have smiled ear-to-ear at that moment.  I was honestly touched.  And a little relieved that I wasn't the only one thinking he had been being really weirdly withdrawn even though he insisted that he did want me to spend the weekend at his place.  Believe me, I was raised by an artist, and I know it requires a certain level of intense concentration sometimes, and occasional self-absorption when needed.  I'm ok with that, I really wasn't bucking for more time with him per se...just a little more validation when we were apart.  That's all.  

We proceeded to have a really chill night in - I cooked up a storm while he painted.  We listened to good music and had random discussions while he would pop into the kitchen to rinse out his paintbrush and pause to kiss me on the shoulder - something that, to this day, I can't figure out why he did since clearly it meant nothing (and now I want to blacken out my tattoo there so it at least looks different and that memory isn't completely visually triggered every time I look at my own damn shoulder blades and see what he was kissing).  It was a great night, way better in my book than going out and tearing up the town.  That's I guess my last really good memory of 'us', and it still stings to relive it just long enough to write it down.

Cut to two nights later when that discussion where I was just trying to communicate the same thing back to him (hey, you're important to me too.  Apparently that was scary or wrong?), and asking for a little more acknowledgement when I wasn't around (like, when I need reassurance, lay off the shark memes and fart jokes for a minute and reassure me.  That's all.  Nothing major.) was enough to freak him out for some reason to the point where although I was allegedly "more important to him than..." whatever, apparently I'm dead to him now too. And I looked him in the eye that night and said, "when you told me on Saturday I was important to you, that was the first time in seven months I had any actual confirmation of that.  And I really appreciated it.  That's the kind of validation I was asking for."  But his eyes were already vacant, whatever part of him I thought I'd spent half a year connecting with had fled the scene.  My eyes had already staged a coup and started crying on their own, which is humiliating to say the least.  He interpreted my tears to mean something they didn't, I think, that I was head over heels in love (in 'like', maybe.  Love?  No.  Didn't know him well enough.  Clearly.), because he kept shaking his head and saying, "I'm not there.  I'm not there."  Where?  I wasn't "there" either!  FFS.  The fact that I had to prompt him to get any response out of him 5 tortured days later, and a shitty, selfish, glib response at that tells me that he completely checked out at that moment in the hotel room and shut off any feelings he may have ever had for me.  He was no longer considering my feelings as a human being he had once felt was important enough to reach out to and text or talk to every single day for half of a year. WTF?

The combination of asking - not yelling, not even speaking angrily - about someone he had friended on FB, and talking about 'validation' (because, uh, he DID build a relationship with me by reaching out to me daily and agreeing to be exclusive a month or so ago...) was enough to spur a freak-out and invalidate what we had?  I just don't get it.  It was not that intense of a moment, it was not an 'attack', it was a fucking normal conversation between two adults who (I thought) liked each other and were trying to maintain a good long-distance relationship.  Really, it wasn't anything major.  And it's not like we disagreed frequently - it's been pretty smooth sailing.  So what gives?!

Can anyone explain this shit to me?  Because it DOES NOT COMPUTE.

One theory is that I nailed him with the chick on fb.  He was uncomfortable because maybe he *was* doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing with her, even if it was only online flirting.  Who knows. I'm sure I never will.  Because if he wasn't creeping, there's no need to be defensive at all.  And I wasn't professing undying love to him and freaked him out either.  Neither one of those conversations should have caused this to end the way it did, and I'm hurt, confused, and ultimately mad as hell that it went down like that, because I really thought we were better than that.  

Guess I'll need to go get my radar re-calibrated.  AGAIN.





  

tall girl coming up short

There really is nothing quite as confusing or hurtful as having somebody you thought was into you (because they told you they were) look you in the eye, while you are clearly wanting some reassurance from them (and not getting it), and saying to you, "I see you, JC.  I see who you, [inserts my full name here, with only my maiden name, emphasizing that he believes he can see all the way into my soul and therefore he knows the REAL 'me' better than anybody else], ARE."  And the way he says it at the time it doesn't sound like a bad thing.  It sounded like admiration.  I actually (stupidly) thought a compliment was going to follow that deep-sounding statement, since he spent months lauding my many accomplishments and personality traits. 

But when the follow up was not a reassuring kind word or embrace, but an uninterpretable sideways glance, a patronizing kiss on top of the head, and a door closing forever, it leaves one wondering... what was the point of saying that to me?  What exactly did that comment mean?  Was it to make me feel worse?  To elevate himself, put himself on an unreachable pedestal where he thinks he knows something I don't?  I see you for who you are, and it's not good enough?  Or I don't like it?  You don't measure up?  You're good, but not worth the effort, because I'm more into ME?  You're good, but there's better out there?  Or I see you, and it's not what I want?  I think I know what he was thinking - that I was already in love but he wasn't.  While that isn't true, I clearly was more 'in like' than he was, or this wouldn't have happened.  I invested.  He was window-shopping.

It bothers me that this bothers me.  I know I'm good enough AND worth the effort.  Worth more effort than I received, in fact.  Much more.  And I'm sure he's feeling like quite the martyr right now, falling on his own sword, telling himself, "I had to let an amazing woman go because I'm just not 'in a place to have a relationship' right now.  I would have only hurt her more later on."  It will probably even merit at least a paragraph, if not a chapter in the autobiography he will undoubtedly write (it's already started, I'm sure) and release five minutes after achieving any level of fame (or infamy).  To which I would respond, if I was worth contacting every single day (apparently I was), spending 2-3 hours on the phone several times a week (he initiated, not me), and committing to be exclusive with, then how can you shut it down and walk away from it, when nothing bad happened in that entire time?  

The only thing I can think of that I did that may have set him off was question him (very tentatively, not aggressively) about somebody he had friended on FB, and also about why he seemed very reluctant to introduce me to ANYBODY in his inner circle.  Ummm, if you're not hiding anything, why is a simple question a problem?  Are those questions (and they really were just politely posed questions - not an "attack" as he later said it was - that should have been easily answerable without flicking the switch into SuperDefensiveMan mode.) really worth ending a fun, 7-month relationship and friendship over?  I'm flattered when someone gives enough of a shit about me to want to know what's going on in my life and in my head.  If he had asked me about someone I friended, I would be more than happy to explain.  But I guess that's because my motives and actions were pure, and I had nothing to hide.  He met some of my inner circle.  He even knew that my family knew about him.  I'm fairly sure that to this day, his family and friends don't know my name, much less that I exist other than "some chick in Florida he sees once in a while, nothing serious."  When in the meantime, he was investing enough effort to get my attention, despite the fact that I wasn't really in the market looking for anything.  It made him feel important, to have a woman like me 'on the hook'.  He created this, and since I believed what he said and became interested in seeing what would happen, I let him.  My mistake.   

It leads me to believe that none of it was real.  It was all ego-stroking.  Having the comforting feeling of someone giving a shit about his life.  Someone admiring his talent and wit and more than just his looks.  Which, by the way, worked against him in the beginning of our relationship.  He is VERY focused on his outward appearance, and proud of it.  Not that this is inherently wrong or bad, but it's not everything - or even the most important thing - to me.  Looks change.  I told him I wasn't interested in trying to compete for a young, good-looking bartender that women clearly throw themselves at all day and night.  He responded by saying, "I know, I look like I'm a total douche, right?"  [Note to self: once again, listen to Maya Angelou - "when somebody tells you who they are...believe them the first time."]  I replied by saying, "I don't necessarily know exactly what a douche looks like, so I won't say you look like a douche, just that you look like you could have extremely high douchebag potential."  There I go, not listening to my intuition again...  So maybe it was the challenge of a woman (a real grown one too, not a college-aged bimbo like he's used to) like me who wasn't initially interested.  Something to conquer, achieve, add to the notches in the belt and tell as a war story when attending the weekly Douchebag Brunch.

I think I was just someone to check in with and talk to when he was bored.  It's a security blanket that he took advantage of.  Because if any of that had been real, he wouldn't be able to walk away from it.  Not a Libra.  We never walk away from love, or the possibility of it.  We don't 'find time' for what's important in our lives, we make time.   Life never hands us what we want when we want it.  Think about how many people get pregnant (or can't) when they want to.  Life hands you something, and you have to shuffle everything else to make it work.  That doesn't mean you ignore your other priorities to their detriment, you just find a way to include all the things that are important to you.  I clearly was not one of those important things to him.

So this whole, "this isn't a good time for me" rhetoric is boolshit.  I was never demanding, I gave that man more space than NASA.  This all fell apart because I was feeling insecure because in addition to having a nerve-wracking week, I noticed that his focus was not at all on me or us when we weren't together (which was most of the time), even when we were texting or talking, and I wanted some validation that things were ok.  Apparently that was too much to ask of somebody who did not have sincere feelings for me, but liked to keep me around to feed the ego-monster.

But why tell me he SEES who I AM, not indicate if it's good or bad, then just LEAVE? (Oh, and go dark for 5 days straight, nice touch.)  That is starting to feel like the biggest insult of all.  Don't lay it on me and try to make me feel like I'm the one who doesn't measure up, when he is the one who took my hand, walked me down this path knowing where it was leading (having been warned multiple times about not doing THIS EXACT FUCKING THING to me like the last guy - stay tuned for an entry on "Gaslighting - it's a thing", when I feel like giving enough of a shit to write it), then abandoning ship when the slightest request for validation was put upon him.  Because it freaked him out that somebody wanted some of his precious "me" time or energy - a whole one minute of validation that he was really IN this, that it isn't all just bullshit where when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind.  

Quite frankly, that makes him an egomaniacal, selfish user of a human being who fed his voracious ego on me instead of filling it from within, because I'm nice to be around and come with lots of creature comforts.  I gave him an 'out' a month or so ago when we talked about becoming exclusive.  After 6 months of him pursuing me, and me being lead down a path that seemed too good to be true (because it was), I ran the litmus test of seeing if he'd go off the market.  He stepped up.  Even after I offered, "if you're not feeling it, if you're not really IN this, and don't think there's something here that might possibly develop into something someday, you need to rip off the bandaid and let me go right now."  But he didn't.  His ego hadn't finished feeding on me yet, apparently.  Or maybe there was some aspect of me that he still found challenging and hadn't yet conquered.  Because genuine interest certainly can't have been what was keeping him around and still in the game, not based on his actions last week.

I put my pride away and broke the 5-day silence and sent an email to confirm exactly WTF was going on, and received an email response early the next morning that I'm sure he's very proud of, although from my perspective, nothing really is addressed.  He blathers on about how good the leftovers of the food I cooked him (just a few days ago, when things still seemed good) are when eaten cold.  Foreal.  He talks about that in his final words to me, like it's a consolation prize or something.  There's no ownership of his behavior in there.  Disappointing for a supposedly self-aware guy who has had lots of counseling and a psychology degree.  No real "I'm sorry" anywhere in his carefully chosen words that once again paint a picture where he's not actually responsible for what he did, it's just "time to focus on my ambitions".  Was one of those ambitions tricking, using, then abandoning a good human being exactly one week before the most stressful day in her life, once you got her to the point where she was invested in you emotionally?  Good job, mission accomplished, check that one off of your monthly list.  Closing that bombastic, self-serving email by thanking me repeatedly, as if I had voluntarily provided some sort of a service or something to him?  Disgusting.  His ego and selfishness know no bounds.

Don't underestimate me and think I haven't thought of the other alternatives, either.  He did quit his job just a few weeks ago and free up more time (not enough for me, apparently).  While he did get more serious about investing practice into the businesses he's cultivating, he also invested more time laying out at his pool.  I'm well aware that based on the timing of this train wreck, he could've met that little chick he friended at the pool, since she's local, and started spending time with HER and found that preferable to me.  (Although he claimed she was just a 'fling' he'd had at one time - like I needed that unnecessary level of detail - and he accepted her friend request because he doesn't give a shit about social media.  ??  I asked, logically, "well then why do it at all?"  No good answer came from that.)  I'm not stupid.  He could have found a more convenient, accessible, impressionable, age-appropriate mark who wouldn't ask for quid pro quo in a casual relationship.  To which I would say, she can HAVE him, if that's the type of guy he is.  You can't get and keep a woman like me in your life if you're half-steppin.

So I know it could be any one of a million scenarios that I'm not going to use my mental bandwidth to explore, because it isn't worth it.  

But it is beyond unexplainable, hurtful or even disappointing.  It's fucking infuriating, and feels deliberate.

And clearly his loss, not mine.  

Trying to forget all of the memories and convince myself he was just an imaginary friend.  Which, really, he kind of was, since the person he presented to me doesn't seem to have actually existed.

He's dead to me now.  

sales 101 = life 101

I spent this past week in various sales training classes at my company headquarters in Houston.  In class, I was reminded that there's a saying in the software sales world that is annoying merely because it is accurate. 

"If you don't know that you're winning a deal, you aren't."  

I don't know who originally came up with that, but part of me wants to thank them, and the other part wants to kick them in the shins for being depressingly correct.

Generally, I have found this to be true in my professional experience.  When you are in pole position in an account, the customer draws closer to you, is proactive about reaching out to you to ask for more information, and may even give you the inside track by sharing information the other competitors don't have.  You can even do things like testing your 'champion' (the person at the customer account who is advocating for you) by seeing just how far they will go to support your cause.  If you are unsure about how loyal that champion really is to you, it is sometimes advisable to push the boundaries a little - see if they'll go out on a limb and take some risks for you.  

It's a scary proposition, to rock the boat when waters are calm on the surface.  But if you think about it, testing its seaworthiness before things get rough will ultimately pay off.  You won't go into deeper waters, spend more time (which translates to money) on an unworthy vessel that will only fail you in the end.  Same thing with a customer account.  It sucks to rip the rug out from under your own feet (trust me, I'm an expert on this now), but if you know it's only going to trip you up in the end, better to just take care of it now.  If you push that champion to see if they stay faithful to you, and they bail instead, you know that person was not ever really your champion.  Cheerleader, maybe.  But not your champion.  So you mourn the fact that you misinterpreted that person's role in the deal, you mourn the commission check you won't be getting, and you mourn the swelling bruise your ego just took.  Then you correct your sales forecast by marking that deal as "lost", and move on to the next account all the wiser about properly identifying and proofing your champions as early as possible, so you don't get into hot water again.

And I know y'all know where I'm going with all this sales talk.  It's a metaphor...of course.  For personal relationships, what else?   (I know, I know..."let me put on my 'surprised' face, JC...")

It's even more depressing when applied to personal life, but equally valid.  I know that when I am really into someone, my actions speak even louder than the (many) words I use.  I call, I text, I follow through and do what I say I'm going to do, avoiding anything that might be a hot button for the other person based on what they've told me about bad experiences in the past.  I'm proactive about reaching out, to make sure that even if I don't overtly blurt it out (because that might scare them away, just by acknowledging the elephant in the room), they can feel the love.  They know I'm thinking about them and being considerate and trying to impress them and play by their rules while still being authentically 'me'.  Basically, I treat them the way I want to be treated.  Seems logical, right?

The difficulty comes in interpreting their actions.  Are they initiating communication as often as I am?  Or do they merely give me courtesy replies to keep me on the hook as another option, because the competition for their attention feeds their ego and makes them feel desirable and important?  Are they making as much of an effort as I am, or are situational factors skewing their ability to show me that effort?  Or am I wasting my time with a cheerleader who merely likes my company and the benefits it comes with?  Maybe they're only lukewarm on what I have to offer, but because I've made it so easy to do business with me, they haven't had to negotiate and put some skin in the game?

I think sometimes my own eagerness to present myself as open, honest, and willing to work with them is my own undoing.  I see women be unavailable, harsh, and even downright cruel to men - and the part I truly don't understand is: IT WORKS.  For years I've told myself that "those relationships can't possibly last, the one where the girl made the guy step and fetch and she just kicked him in the nards anyway and he kept coming back for more.  No way will that last.  One day he'll realize that, ummmm, SHE'S A BITCH, and get gone."  But as with sales, the rule seems to be that the end justifies the means.  So it doesn't matter how you land 'em, just do what you gotta do to reel 'em in.  

Problem is, I just can't get behind that.  I'm not cruel.  I have no desire for a man who would take really ANY level of abuse from me and come back for more.  Does that mean I don't want to be pursued?  Absolutely not.  I'd love for somebody to be so smitten with me that they'd crawl nekkid through crushed glass and/or sharp-edged copier paper just to drink a cup of my bathwater and snack on my toenail clippings.  (Okay, maybe not *that* extreme, but you get my gist.  Every girl wants a guy who would go through hell to win - EARN, really -  her favor.)

Is it a power struggle?  Is it the size of my ego vs. his ego?  People loooove to tell others that "you have 'low self esteem'", or "you don't see how awesome you really are", or "you place too low a value on yourself" when you don't step directly on the necks of men who are interested in you.  I am not an unintelligent woman, nor do I have low self-esteem.  I'm no supermodel/rocket scientist/brain surgeon, but I think I'm a pretty good fucking catch.  Scratch that, I KNOW I am.  I don't feel the need to oversell myself to ANYDAMNBODY.  I am the original WYSIWYG interface.  (Google it, non-nerds.)  Beyond maybe a little creative makeup and cute clothes to wrap the package, I don't engage in any kind of artifice or game playing that would mislead a guy.  I think I'm good enough, valid enough, interesting enough, to merit somebody's full attention just as I am.  I may deflect a compliment instead of graciously accepting it once in a while, but that's just good old-fashioned humility, not low self-esteem.  

But a pattern seems to be emerging, and I don't like it.  I always seem to be the one playing the sales role.  Even when I'm not looking to make a 'sale' (meaning have a serious relationship).  In casual relationships that are still in early stages, I find myself feeling like the one that is always waiting for the phone to ring, wondering where I stand in the rankings.  

Which circles back to the statement "if you don't know you're winning, you're not."

Let's delve deeper into the sales process and see if there's more parallels, or a vital step I'm skipping.  

Because I'm a nerdgirl, let's do qualification of the customer and deal and follow the sales process, quasi-flow-chart style.

RUN PROCESS:

Early Discovery stage: Are they looking for a product in my market space? Are they willing to eventually have a committed relationship once we decide we are right for each other?  Because I know I'm a serial monogamist, that's really the only product I have to offer.  Eternal undefined kinda-dating arrangements are not on my menu, sorry.  "Friends with 'benefits'" rarely actually benefit anybody - this is a cheap, transactional non-relationship that might work for a minute but ultimately just leaves you feeling emotionally depleted and empty.  And cheap, for not charging the full price of entry into your life - an actual commitment.  I am looking for an enterprise-business-sized deal, strategic in nature, not transactional. 

If no, terminate program, and be glad you learned that deal-breaker early in the process.

If yes, proceed to next question.

Secondary Discovery stage: Is there funding ready to pay for it? How much work, sacrifice, and compromise are they willing to put into having a relationship?  Will they meet me halfway on things, or is it "my way or the highway" with them?  They need to be willing to fully commit when the time is right, no secrets, no side chicks, no secret texts or dating website accounts held on reserve 'just in case'.  No misrepresenting your relationship status behind my back or on social media to keep your fan club hanging on or guessing if you're available.  It's all in or bust, buddy.  Discovery is the stage where tons and tons of questions need to be asked, but at the 10,000 foot level.  Don't drill too far down on minor details now (you can argue about threadcount later, trust me on that.), just make sure the important stuff matches up here.

If no, terminate program, have minor temper tantrum about the rash of selfish men unwilling to commit to a serious relationship that are plaguing the world right now.  Then fix your hair and makeup, get a drink, and move on.  You probably dodged a bullet.

If yes, proceed to next question.

Technical Assessment:  Is there a match between their needs and the product I am offering?  Do we want the same things, and are we able to meet each others' needs?  If they only want a shot of espresso, and I'm offering a big, fluffy full-fat-mocha-latte-half-caf-extra-whip-frappuccino, that might seem appealing at first and they might try it out, but ultimately it's just going to be too much for them.  That doesn't mean it isn't a delicious offering, it's just not the one they're in the market for.  Or they're not ready for it yet.  If his definition of a committed relationship means he wants to see you 6 nights a week, but yours requires more space, that is sad but incompatible, and ultimately will be a functional mis-match, no matter what you think you feel for each other.  And if his definition of a relationship includes bachelor-party-like weekends where he mysteriously 'forgets to charge his phone' and goes dark on you, and yours requires daily communication, that just won't work, and you both deserve to have someone who accepts and honors your respective requirements.

If no, terminate program.  Cry a lot over the injustice of life and love, avoid chick flicks for a month, lose weight from not having enough energy to boil rice, then realize you look fabulous and go out there and do it all again.  Just pick better this time.

If yes, proceed to next question.

Go/No-Go.  This is the pivot point, where the decision is made to move forward into procurement, or an optional (but recommended) Proof of Concept or Paid Pilot event to further ensure a good fit.  This is also where you should test your Champion.

If no, terminate program.  Drink heavily.  When recovered from hangover and feeling less salty, review the play and look for the flaws so you can avoid them next time.  

If "maybe, but I think we need more information before making an investment", proceed to Proof of Concept event.

If "maybe, but we are willing to make some investment to be really REALLY sure", proceed to Paid Pilot event.

If yes, go pick out your rings.  Congratulations.  Try not to become a failed implementation, a.k.a. "divorce statistic".

Proof of Concept event (POC).  This is basically an extended test-drive.  Basically, living together with no firm commitment beyond sharing the rent, a bed, and maybe a starter pet.  (I recommend a goldfish.  They're not notoriously easy to anthropomorphize, so if the POC fails and there's a breakup, you won't fight over who gets to keep him or need to make visitation arrangements for a damn fish.  It'll just die in a few weeks anyway, I'm sure.  If it dies before you break up, consider that an advanced POC where you get to see how each of you deal with death and/or failure.  Bonus!)  

Paid Pilot event.  This is a step with some investment (engagement) towards full procurement (marriage).  Pick your ring (unless he is pure awesome and knows exactly what you like and picks it out FOR you as a surprise and it's perfect.), move in to some neutral territory (not his bachelor pad or your ex-husbands house that you kept...this is a fresh, clean start for both of you to pave the way for optimal results.  Do it right.) and obtain a more lovable starter pet than the one used in the POC (something with fur and a lifespan of more than 10 minutes).  

If unsuccessful, start reviewing apartment ads.

If successful, move forward into procurement.

If the result is "not sure, still need more information", YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS DEAL. See instructions for "unsuccessful", above. 

Procurement.  This is the real deal.  Fully committed, no backing out now.  Engaged, buying property together, and actually planning the wedding.  Review respective procurement processes to ensure compatible timelines.  How long is it acceptable for the purchase order to sit on the desk in the inbox?  Do you both want to get married NOW NOW NOW, or do you want to plan?  Set proper expectation as to how long each of you feels it is appropriate to stay engaged and tolerating snide comments from nosy friends and relatives that like to say things like, "you STILL haven't picked a date...?!" with raised eyebrows and a pointed look that says, "oh, honey, he's not walking down that aisle with you, poor thing doesn't know the signs yet..."

If unsuccessful due to inability to commit to date, one of you has cold feet and was not completely honest in the Go/No-Go Event stage.  That person is a liar.  Maybe not deliberately malicious, but a liar nonetheless.  The other person is going to be pissed for a while, but will eventually be grateful they dodged the bullet.

If successful, congratulations.  Try not to become a statistic.

END RUN

Ok, so I'm sure the non-nerd amongst you are thinking that it's kind of harsh, unromantic, and/or shitty to compare the process of buying software to finding your life's partner.  But is it really that different?  IS IT?  I didn't think so.  So maybe I omitted all the romantical parts.  I wasn't really trying to explore that stuff.  When it's there, you know it's there.  It's the process I wanted to delve into, to figure out which of these steps I'm skimping on.  (And in the sake of full disclosure, I have made it through the "Procurement" stage twice already.  And became a statistic both times.  Just FYI.)  

Am I skimping at the Discovery stage?  I have to think that could be one of the places I'm falling down on the job.   I think I'm ok at the early discovery, but falling down on secondary discovery.  What are they willing to invest?  I think I meet people more than halfway, thinking that surely my generosity and reasonably priced product will be an attractive package.  But years of marketing research has shown that despite how much some people love a deal, with actual high-end products, people think they have more value when they cost more.  Think Gucci, Prada, Lamborghini, Dior, Rolex...these are all highly desirable brands that people pay more for.  Sure, you could get a T-Shirt from Express and still be wearing clothes, or driving a Yugo and have a car.  But for those who want more, they will invest more.  And generally not ask for a discount, as they know that the best doesn't come cheaply.  That's why everybody wants it, but few can have it.

So that seems to be part of my problem.  Maybe I do lower my price of admission - not because I don't think I'm worth more - I absolutely do - but because I haven't seen many buyers in my price range.  Holding out until somebody with a fatter emotional wallet comes by and wants me in their life for the right reasons, and is willing to jump through any hoops to obtain that (within reason, of course). 

I also could be dropping the ball by not drilling down deeply enough in the Technical Assessment period.  When someone shows interest in me, my good-natured (and apparently oblivious) self believes that surely their idea of a commitment is the same as mine.  It frequently isn't, and we don't find out until it's too late and somebody gets hurt.

I know for a fact that I completely skipped the Paid Pilot the last few times around.  I did a POC, but didn't really pull back and evaluate how it was going during the process.  I just plowed through it and charged straight into Procurement.  FAIL.

So I guess I just answered my own questions.  It looks so simple when you flowchart it out.  Why does it have to be so complex in real life?  

I know the answer to that, too.  Because feelings get involved.  He's cute, and/or funny, and/or smart, and your judgement gets clouded.  Even though maybe your guy meets 95% of your requirements perfectly, there could be one factor that is out of place that will ensure you build your marital house on a cracked and shaky foundation, doomed to fail eventually.  But you WANT it to work, dammit, look how good everything is...surely we can overcome...?

No.  I think if you don't do due diligence at the beginning to make sure you're in 100% lockstep on the big issues, walking side by side, instead of one striding ahead and the other struggling desperately to keep up, it won't work.  Oh, you might stay together out of sheer stubbornness or denial or laziness, but you won't be happy.  And eventually, like a liquid seeking level, one of you will slip out of that crack in the foundation to find someone else who fills in the gaps.  It's only natural to seek the one who truly compliments and supports us.  (I don't like to say "completes us", because I think we need to be fairly complete before we can successfully partner with someone else.)

*sigh*

I should feel accomplished, hashing out all of this in the wee hours of the night after returning from an 8-day road trip.  I should have been exhausted and just gone to bed.  I'm coming down with a cold and feel lousy, and I know it will only be worse when I finally wake up tomorrow.  It's 5 am and my eyes are crossing.  Alas, too many factors are at work in my brain right now to let that happen.  I felt compelled to sort this out on paper (ok, pixels) just to hopefully extract it from my brain.  Not sure how successful I was, this really only gave me more clarity on *me*, when what I really need now are answers that I can't provide on my own.  I may be emotional, but as a geek I am also highly logical.  Almost Boolean.  I like to know if something is on or off.  Where are the curbs.  Is there an SOP?  I need to know which swim lane is mine so I can stay in it.  No guessing.  I have better things to use my mental bandwidth on than trying to be a human crystal ball.

It may be time to insert a feedback loop into my currently running process.  The mere thought of having to face a process termination command because of incompatible feedback is looming large and dark on my horizon right now, and I guess I'm lingering in the discovery phase to avoid having to face it.

But its shadow is starting to eclipse some of the good stuff and I don't want to live in the shadows.  Guess it's time for me to (wo)man up.  Stay tuned.

  

the ELLIPSIS OF DOOM!!! (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

If you're not an iPhone user, that meme may not make any sense to you.  But if you are, you know EXACTLY what it's saying, right?  In the same way that much of our technology today has created a planet full of instant gratification junkies, the iMessage application on an iOS device has this horrible, wonderful feature that I love/hate.  While the person you are texting to is typing back to you, you see an ellipsis (...) pop up (provided they also are on an iOS device).  It's like a little visual Pavlov's bell.  If you even remotely give a shit about what this person might say, instead of going about your business and doing whatever else it is you have to do at that moment, you are riveted to your little glowing screen, mouth watering, wondering, "what are they going to say!?" or "why is it taking them so long to respond?!" or, what Arnold is squinting about above, "WTF! Why didn't they respond yet? I saw the dots pop up so I know they were typing SOMETHING!!".  It can be maddening.  Especially when you realize how easily it can hook you in.  It's like a little hit of dopamine in your brain, and becomes very addicting.  Especially if this is somebody you are flirting with, or want to impress.  It creates an even higher level of anticipation, and some evil genius at Apple knew that and went there anyway.  Bastard.

I've decided to think of them as "the ellipsis of DOOM" from now on.

The "ellipsis of DOOM" are on my mind not just because I have completely fallen victim to them (which I have), but because it's an ever-present reminder of how I'm living in an anticipatory state instead of the present state.  I think this is me creating my own stress, and I really need to get a grip on it.

I have become aware of it because the same exact message has started popping up in random places.   Friends and family are saying it to me, it shows up multiple times in my facebook feed, Pinterest seems to have an abundance of that SAME message on every board I browse, my facialist (who barely speaks english) even says it to me.  Like, I know I can be stubborn, but ALRIGHT ALREADY, Universe I get it.  I'm supposed to

BE HERE NOW!!!

and

ENJOY THIS MOMENT! THIS ONE RIGHT HERE!

Blerg.  I'm exhausted from being beaten about the head and shoulders with this message. I'm doing my best.  That's all I got.  See, the problem is, I'm in flux in a bunch of different situations, and as exciting and fast-paced as everything is, I just don't like it.  It's uncomfortable.

What I'm learning about myself is that my comfort zone is either before something begins, like in the planning stages, or when it's complete and I can relax.  While the actual execution of the event is happening, it's a blur, I'm in 'action' mode, and can't seem to relax, much less take a deep breath and consciously enjoy.  Like hosting a party.  I love the planning stages - "this is going to be the best party EVAH!" and "OMG look at this menu!".  The actual party itself will be hectic, filled with trips to the kitchen and bar, making sure everyone is having a good time (apparently except myself, although being a good hostess makes me happy, ergo, a good time).  Then the post-party cleanup is a much less hectic pace, spent slowly cleaning and reviewing the good time CLEARLY had by all based on the party shrapnel left all around the house. 

Same could be said about running a 5k.  It's exciting to plan it, the running itself is kind of torturous, even though I know I'll feel awesome afterwards when all is done.

The problem is, I feel the same way about relationships and dating.  To put a finer point on it, I'm good at relationships - I have no problem making a commitment and sticking to it.  But I truly SUCK at dating.  That's right, I suck at it and admit it.  I don't like it, I'm not good at it, it makes me uncomfortable, and the whole process is a special kind of hell for me, even when the guy is A-ok.  Actually, the better the guy is, the worse the dating period is for me anytime we're not actually together.  My logical brain starts trying to organize this gelatinous, undefined mass of feelings and emotions and excitement into something it either isn't yet or might never be, and that's where I get myself into trouble.  It's called overthinking, and I really need to stop doing it. 

I'm most comfortable either completely single, with no attachments or love interest, or fully committed and comfortably inside the confines of a relationship, where the rules are clear.  There's at least two problems I have with the dating scenario.  One, is that everybody puts on their best personality to present to the other, instead of just being who they really are.  This takes energy, people.  Energy I don't have.  So instead, I choose to just be me, and I come across as a very intense, kind of scary, military trained, tool-wielding, loud-laughing crazy cat lady/biker chick/househead who likes to make your house look pretty and fix all your computer woes.  And uh, yeah...I scare 'em all away.  Go figure.  I know, that's no way to 'snag a man', but here's the thing...I'm not really trying to 'snag a man'.  I don't want a man that I have to trick into liking me.  (And NO, I don't consider the magic I perform with makeup every day to be trickery, dammit.  That's more of a public service.  Shut up.)  As a matter of fact, I'm ok without a man at all, hence my inability to give enough of a shit to work up the energy to do a soft-shoe around an awkward dinner date with someone I'm not even sure I want to bother to impress.  Harrumph.

The second problem, once we're past the whole "yeah, I'm a weirdo and I own it.  Oh, you're still here?" phase, is the lack of definition of terms once you're past the first few encounters.  I think this comes from my analytical, boolean computer-geek personality.  To my brain (and apparently, heart), things should be "on" or "off".  Easy to understand.  Even though I am contradictorily also a big fan of 'grey areas', I don't like to reside in them.  I like to view them from the safe, well-defined platform of either black or white and discuss them in theory.  But the longer I'm spending in this grey area, I'm starting to understand why it's necessary, and even good.  Time does reveal things.  Gives you a chance to get to know each other in various situations.  Space to think about whether you (and they) want to deal with the particular flavors of dysfunction, insecurity, and weirdness brought to the table by both parties.  Whereas when you're impulsive and jump into things quickly, you can sometimes find yourself in too deep, already sucked into the quicksand.  Bailing on the other person in there with you at that point would make you a bad human being, so you just go down in flames with them, stubbornly believing you made a sound decision and you just need to ride it out.  (Not that I'm speaking from experience here or anything.)

The thing is, it could be that at the time you made that decision, it WAS sound - based upon the evidence you had collected up to that point.  But if you only spent a few weeks  collecting that information, that's a mighty small collection to be basing important life decisions on.  Whereas a longer discovery period (as we call it in software sales) can lead to better qualified decisions.  Knowing for sure which opportunities to pursue, which juice might very well be worth the squeeze, and which ones to gently (or not) cull out of the dating pool (and/or block from FaceBook and your phone forever).

I had brunch with some very good friends the other day and we discussed this at length.  Some of my friends are single, some married, some divorced, others engaged, so it was a good round-table of different perspectives.  One of them reminded me of the saying that you have to go outside of your comfort zone to really experience anything truly amazing.  Funny how I always tell other people that, yet when I'm in my own 'discomfort zone', I just want to squirm and whine and stomp my feet and gnash my teeth until its over and I'm back to doing what I'm comfortable and experienced with.

In addition to being told to "BE HERE NOW" constantly, I have also heard "I wish I had your life, even if just for a few days" and "I live vicariously through you!" from no less than 5 close friends just in the past week.  Part of me is like, "what's up with THAT?"  But the smarter part of me is like, "wow.  That fucking ROCKS.  Drink it all in."  At which point I'm realizing that I am now telling myself to BE HERE NOW.  See? Can't get away from it.

It's difficult, what with the pace of everybody's lives, the travel, making time for fitness and friends, routine chores and maintenance, to just step back and breathe deep and look around and appreciate.  We always feel like we're not really living until we lose that last 10 lbs, or pay off that debt, or reach that next goal.  It may be cliche, but it's true:  it's the journey, not the destination that life is about.  All that hippie bullshit about being present in this moment is...well...not bullshit.  The same friend that offered me the excellent advice of going outside my comfort zone also reminded me that we never know what's going to happen next.  She recently lost a family member, and it was clearly devastating.  But every time I see her, she is smiling through her tears, and positively RADIATING with love for her friends and family.  She has fully embraced the "BE HERE NOW" that I'm struggling with, and is an amazing living example of how rewarding it can be, even if things don't go the way you want.  There is still much to appreciate and be thankful for and truly experience every moment you have to the fullest, since it can all go away in the blink of an eye.

For all I know, this present moment could be the last one I have, so I might as well enjoy the experience, and ignore the foreshadowing that the ellipsis of DOOM keeps hinting at, since all the worry in the world won't change whatever is coming next.  

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