Like the cat says, I've got the "blahs". I feel weird. Disoriented, even. I've had good news, but all of it has been accompanied by bad news.
Good: I lost ten pounds!
Bad: I did it in one month, on The Flu Diet. Blech.
Good: I am gainfully employed!
Bad: my company had a rif (Reduction In Force, for the uninitiated) on Friday, and several good friends who do the same thing as me got unfairly whacked, and now my very foundation feels unsettled.
Good: my company has determined that we'll all be taking one week a month vacation until further notice!
Bad: This is the mandatory kind of 'vacation'. A.k.a., 25% pay cut.
Those of you who know me personally know I am super-grateful to have the job that I do, and I start each day with waking thoughts of how fortunate I am to have it. Now, those thoughts are small and timid and questioning, insecure. They even echo a little in there. Why did I make the cut, and others didn't? And no, I'm not that damn good. No better than they are, certainly. Geography? Luck? Good Ju-Ju?
Just two months ago we received an email from the Head Honcho stating we'd had our best year ever, blah blah blah. I saw him a month ago, he talked about how strong we are as a company financially. And now this? It was a very deep cut, if done proactively as they claimed (i.e., we're not in a tailspin or struggling, we just want to stay ahead of the curve). And this mandatory vacation thing has everybody freaked out, as they announced it sans specifcs and we are all waiting on tenterhooks to find out exactly what it entails. Can I take my paid vacation? Will that still help the company? Will I really be 'off', or if someone asks me to do a demo, will I (predictably) jump at the chance because now like thousands of Americans I fear for my job and will do almost anything to keep it? Egads, I hate the sound of desperation in my internal monologue.
Over the past months I've tried to make a practice of only focusing on the positive, so as not to feed energy to the negative. But now fear has an icy grip on my ankles, and I'm having a lot of trouble shaking it off. I find myself with too much free time - although I have a ton of work to do on the house, I no longer want to spend anything I don't have to on an investment I'm not likely to reap anything from in the near future. I'm immobilized, sitting in my bed, waiting for demo requests to come along or a trip to be scheduled that will at least give me the appearance of earning my keep with this company. Ok, this is a weird analogy (what else would you expect from me?), but for those of you who have seen the Harry Potter movies, in one of them, these little mischeivous critters are all put under the Immobilus spell that freezes them right where they are in space and time,but they're still conscious. All they can do is float around in mid-air and wait for the spell to wear off. That's me, right now. I feel incapable of making up my mind to do anything. I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm booked to do a tradeshow in Vegas in a few weeks. It was booked about 6 months ago, back when things still felt normal. Now, what would normally be a raucous celebration with reckless spending is going to feel excessive, obvious, and uncomfortable. Like wearing a too-low-cut shirt to a funeral and figuring it out too late. I'm going to be very self-conscious, like a still-overweight dieter caught in the doughnut shop.
Any ideas to help break me out of this?
I think you'll feel much, much better if you have a plan B. Smarten up that resume, touch base with old colleagues, and use the extra week/month to learn new skills. Boring advice, I know...
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about all this.
ReplyDeleteMy experience with RIFs is that many times it's based on seniority, salary, or a seemingly senseless combination of the two.
I agree with Cara...take some time to work on "plan B" ... it also may be time to get familiar with linkedin.com if you haven't already. It's a great professional networking tool.
It's a shame your company hasn't done a better job of trying to maintain morale during a stressful time for everyone. While it's true, you have that feeling that you'd do anything to keep your job...remember that it's not in the company's best interest to make their employees (particularly ones that have contact with customers) paralyzed by low morale.
As long as the work you need to do on the house isn't financially draining, it may be the right thing to do regardless of whether the short-term payoff isn't too good. At least you'll have a sense of personal accomplishment when you can see some of these projects to completion.
The flu diet bug is also going around the entire USA. Everyone around here is getting the same bug, one by one. I had the version where you have a high fever for a couple of days, then sinus problems and a headache for two weeks, and don't feel like doing anything, including eat.
Hope things start to look up for you.
(PS: the verification word I got today was "bleado" -- it sounds like it should be a real word!!)
Cara, of course you're right. I just need to get off my arse and do it!
ReplyDeletecpu, thanks for the sympathy and pep talk. My company is a nice one, but they do not do a good job of keeping remote employees like myself close to the fold. I frequently feel like a floater. Sometimes that works to my advantage, until something like this happens, then I just feel left out!
I'm all over linkedin by the way, thanks for the tip. It is a great networking tool.
I might go home to Pgh to visit family and friends during my time 'off'. Burn some of my miles, get a free ticket, crash with fam, do it on the cheap. I'll still make myself available for web demos though...can't be looking useless!
I have perked up a bit, and yes, we're doing the cheaper house fixes now, mainly painting. And also, unfortunatley, popcorn-ceiling scraping. Ugh.
What is UP with this flu? It's actually scary the way every single person I know has had the same exact version. And I've been hit twice. Different bugs, but each one practically flat-lined me for 2 weeks. Not good at all.
So I suppose it's good news the ol' appetite is back. Except that means no more easy weight loss! Back to the gym (and elliptical and WiiFit and walking outside) to burn those calories again!
(My word verification is "perso"...there's a good joke in there somewhere about what that could mean, but i'm not clever enough to find it tonite!)