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I found someone who has the answers. I am no longer seeking the "why", no longer feel bad, like "less than", or sorry that it ended. Apparently, it was never real to begin with, and this is a common occurrence for narcissists who actually believe their own rap.
Click here to read an excellent blog post on baggagereclaim.com that describes a narcissist in detail - and reads like a personality inventory of the last guy I dated.
So I guess now I have a lot more reading to do to make sure that I don't allow another douchebag, sociopath, or narcissist anywhere near my heart and my life.
Thanks, universe, for helping me dodge yet another bullet. And thanks to ME, for loving myself enough to call him out on his BS (even if it took me a hot minute to get around to it) because I know I deserve better treatment. I'm worth it.
Fin.
=^.,.^=
You know what really sucks? When bad things happen to good people. You know what strangely seems to suck even worse? When good things happen to good people, but because of some stupid shit you don't even understand, the person you want and need to share it with isn't there for you anymore. So instead of it being the biggest, most joyous moment in your life that you immediately know who to speed dial and share it with, you just kind of float in space for a minute acknowledging, "wow, this is major. Like, HUGE. Could change everything. Who do I call to tell about it?" Then instead of rejoicing over what feels like it could be a huge triumph (even if it is only the rumblings of a new beginning), you get caught in this seemingly never-ending hamster wheel of wistful emotions that bring you down, and instead of dealing with anything proactively you pick at the hair follicles on your arms and legs until you are sore, swollen, and bleeding because that's what you do when everything is too much and you're in an anonymous, generic hotel room in a city that's not yours anymore and you just don't know where to turn. Real healthy, right? Way to cope, JC.
Sure, I have plenty of good (great, actually) friends who end up being top on that list, not to mention my family. They have been with me every step of the way too. But when you had that one person who did more than just encourage you - they played devil's advocate, reminded you of the things you didn't want to think about, set false deadlines for you to get your lazy/overwhelmed/scared ass moving - and now they're not there to share this with, get their reaction to it, their guidance on it...it just sucks.
And yeah, I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. I know that I don't need a guy's approval to be proud of my own accomplishments (especially a guy whose very quality as a human being is highly suspect in my mind right now). I built this thing by myself, and will execute it and enjoy it by myself too, but for a while there, I felt like I had a partner. Support. Beyond just, "go team!", which is super sweet, but we all know that constructive criticism (when given kindly) is far more helpful than just a pat on the back, since it helps you correct your own course.
Maybe I'm just scared to start this venture on my own. It's true, I haven't technically been on my own, uh, ever in my adult life. Libras are nesters and nurturers by nature, we like to pair up with a partner. And since I always seem to find (or be found by) someone within weeks of being available, and am loathe to pass up the opportunity to finally have possibly met that person who could be my perfect compliment, I always take the risk instead of playing it safe or sticking to some self-imposed "timeline" that I think I need to follow. When someone is worth paying attention to, I pay it, since that opportunity may pass if I ignore them now, and having the right life partner is more important to me than how quickly I achieve any material goals. However, just because I've been in a relationship with someone doesn't mean I've had a partner that whole time. I've been more lonely inside of an unfulfilling relationship than I was when I was actually single and alone and feeling good. So despite having been 'attached' for most of my adult life, I am a very independent person who gets things done on her own most of the time.
But maybe this is just me finally moving from the denial and anger stages into acceptance and grieving the loss of what felt like a best friend on many levels. Major news, even good news, can disrupt the calm in your emotional pond and bring all sorts of things to the surface that maybe were lurking just beneath the glass-smooth exterior that was there before someone chucked a stone into your emotional waters. And now you have to deal with not just the effect of the good ripple, but the negative effect of the emotions you back-burnered out of hope you wouldn't ever *have* to deal with them, because either the situation gets better due to external forces (which I know it won't. If after 3 weeks of dead silence somebody doesn't give enough of a damn about your wellbeing to reach out to you and apologize for being a selfish dick or at least ask how your divorce court went, he is a douchebag and will never ask, because he clearly doesn't care about anybody but himself. You just don't matter in his master plan, you were just a pleasant diversion until you got too needy and wanted in return some of what you were putting into the relationship, you unreasonable ball and chain, you.), or because you were so furiously angry that you just skipped all the other steps most people experience when they grieve a loss of some magnitude. I was hoping for either one of those situations, but alas, I am clearly just a mere mortal and have to live the grieving process like everybody else. There is too much evidence to the contrary for me to believe I was maliciously misled for months into thinking there was a connection there. If I felt it was deliberate and for his entertainment, maybe I could just say, "phew, dodged another bullet there!" and happily move on, knowing the universe has better things (and people) in store for my future. Which I'm sure it does. But he put way too much effort into reaching out to me, talking to me for endless hours on the phone when neither of us did that with anybody else, bringing me into part of his world. But just the part in his head, because the part in real physical life he never did introduce me to, and it was a conversation about this which lead to the demise of everything else we had built. I'm not going to be your bff in your head and on the phone and through text but not get to meet the people in your life. I'm nobody's dirty little secret or side chick. I'm not THAT girl. Fuck that. You can bring me in, but you'd better be goddamned proud and show me off too. Own that shit, man, or let it go for a better man to appreciate and give me my due for earning that position in your life.
Anyway, clearly there's still a lot of anger I'm dealing with and it's easy to follow it down into a rabbit hole and get derailed from my point here, which is that good things are happening but all I feel is a sort of empty melancholy. I'm also possibly a little bit stunned, in shock that something that could be truly life-changing could actually be happening. Maybe once I get my feet under me, I'll get some traction and just run with it and be ok because I'm in heads-down "go" mode. But I doubt it. Not having that one special person around, even though as I write this he is only about a half hour's drive away from me, is a constant anchor around my soul. I thought that coming back to the beltway area for the first time since the breakup would be difficult - and it is. I'm not enjoying it very much, but I was coping. (Mainly through napping. Shut up, it's my escape.) But actually getting this good news while I was here felt like exactly what needed to happen to propel me forward into action, and instead I ran into a wall of my own emotions and it's like walking through a hot tar shower dropped off of somebody's roof. It disorients, it burns, it smells bad, it slows you down, it's all over you, and you cannot for the life of you get rid of it as fast as you want to and the tracks of it follow you everywhere you go.
Well, at least if this is me moving through the stages of grief, at least I'm moving forward even if this is the lowest, most difficult part of the journey. I've been through it before and I'm sure I'll go through it again. I survived every damn time, despite feeling like I didn't care if I did or not. And I know the sun will come up tomorrow, putting one foot in front of the other is how I've managed to get through these last few difficult weeks. That, and the constant support of my friends who know what a crucial time this has been for me, and have been there for me, since their friendship is REAL.
I do keep trying to console myself by saying, "he got too defensive when I brought up a girl he friended on FB, and if a guy gets defensive over something that really isn't that big of a deal, he was probably creeping on some level or doing something he knew he shouldn't have been doing at that time, considering we had agreed to be exclusive some time before that went down, so therefore I don't want him anyway." But there's lots of reasons guys get defensive, especially if they're used to being single and not questioned, or having their logic questioned. Is that me making excuses for him? Maybe. Ultimately, I didn't do or ask for anything that was out of order for where we were at in the relationship HE pursued with me. I think he got in too deep, realized there were real feelings at stake (probably more mine than his, since his actions - or lack thereof - have shown me he doesn't have any for me), and bailed the fuck out. Thinking he is somehow 'saving' me from some worse hurt in the future. And maybe he is, I guess I'll never know now. It just doesn't make sense after HE spent 7 months building it up and enjoying everything I put into it, misleading me into believing he was with me every step of the way, since I let him initiate the majority of communications and even offered him an 'out' when we had the exclusivity conversation a few months ago.
I guess because I don't believe he has fully acknowledged what really happened emotionally within himself, and his email to me did little more than shine a light on what a huge ego he has, I am having trouble moving forward the way I want to. I want to be able to unequivocally say, "he IS a huge douchenozzle, I am better off without him in my life", and stride confidently forward into my fabulous future. But the insights that I had into his psyche, the companionship I finally felt with someone who is on my level in many ways, felt like we were laying the foundation for something different, something really solid that neither of us have had with someone else before. It's hard to believe that THAT person is the same one who just bailed on me in my moment of greatest need and never looked back to make sure I'm ok. Really, dude? Your mother would be SO proud of you for that one. Way to represent. Yeah, it was scary to feel like something big was being built at a less-than-opportune time in our lives, but if it was happening at that time it's because it was supposed to. It seemed to be working for both of us. I wasn't trying to rush it either. We both have a lot of things to focus on, but this was a nice support system we had for each other. I thought.
And who knows, maybe my impending success at this new venture would have further intimidated him. I say further because he told me at the very beginning of our relationship that I am intimidating. It's a theme with me, apparently, I get told this ALL THE DAMN TIME by men and women alike. I'm kind of tired of it, actually, so people, please get your shit together and be intimidated by something WORTH being intimidated by, like Godzilla. Or doing your own taxes. But not by me. I'm just a person. But apparently my successes and personality traits combine to make me somewhat formidable, and I think for some men if they feel like they're not earning and achieving on my level, that they're not comfortable with the power distribution in the relationship. I don't really think of it that way, I think confidence is all in your head. Ironically, one day when I was feeling insecure about something and instead of reassuring me, his voice took on an irritated tone and he condescendingly told me, "confidence is sexy", as if by having an insecurity on a bad day that meant I wasn't confident. I quickly told him that I have no shortage of confidence overall, but once in a while human beings need a warm fuzzy from their significant other to reassure them that they aren't the only ones who think they are awesome. Plus, there is a HUGE difference between confidence and cockiness. Confidence is sexy. Cockiness is off-putting, even when justified. Try to remember that.
I know some things about myself - firstly, that I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, because I would want them to do that for me. Maybe I'm doing that here, but I'm just going off of what I know, or thought I knew. I had seven months' exposure to the good side in him. This callous side of him is completely new to me and I don't know what to make of it. I kind of don't want to believe it exists. Part of me says I should reach out to him, respond to his shitty email. But I'm not going to chase him and feed that damn ego that fed off of me enough already this year. His own morals should guide him back to at least apologize to me for bailing and for the shitty timing and execution of it. If he can't do that, ultimately, he's not worth my time, worry, or friendship. Which is a sad, sad thought. Because, then who the fuck *was* that I was with for seven months, and where did he go? I miss him. My lack of a response or communication directly to him should be enough to tell him just where I stand on all of this.
Secondly, I know that Libras have a tendency to fall in love with the very idea of being in love. But because I am so aware of it, especially these days, I was very careful not to let myself go there and get all giddy and happy and blithely believe that this relationship was something it wasn't. It had some very very good points, things I haven't had in any other relationship. But it was missing some things too, which is only natural since it was new and long-distance and we were still getting to know each other. So I tried to keep a bit of an emotional distance, not be too demanding about most of it, and give it time to see what happened. So much for that approach. I tried to keep my head out of the clouds, and even though I wasn't head over heels for him, I was still invested, still cared, and got burned any damn way.
Thirdly, I know I've said this before, but I'm a damn good catch. So is he (or so I thought, until the fatal personality flaw of being completely unable to process and cope with his own emotions revealed itself, especially if he's not on any mind-altering substances at the time), but I only got to see bits and pieces he wanted to share with me so I guess I ultimately don't know what kind of a catch he is, aside from a temporary and complicated one. But I do know myself. I know I give my all to my partner in a relationship. I'm willing to learn new languages, cooking skills, relocate my residence, pay all the bills, even raise other people's children if that is what the relationship requires. I pay attention to what their (sometimes voracious, fragile) ego needs and try to feed it accordingly, giving them what they need to feel valued and appreciated by me. Even when it isn't done in return. I have in the past abandoned my own hobbies and pursuits for the sake of doing something my partner and I could enjoy together. I'm always willing to try something new, but I have since learned the value of putting my own oxygen mask on first and making sure my needs are met, since when one partner struggles they both pay the price. It hurts to feel like even though I know I'm not perfect, I'm a damn good partner, yet I just can't seem to find anybody who wants or deserves to have me in their lives in that capacity. The Libra in me hates the unfairness of it all. It's like all my goodness works against me. The girls who are bitches and treat men cruelly get all the attention from the overachievers who like a challenge. I'm not that bitch. And as much as I love a good costume, I really don't want to have to role-play in my own life in order to attract and keep somebody. I just want somebody to SEE me for who I am, and not be able to sleep easily at night until they do everything in their power to keep that all for themselves. I hope he realizes that he'll need at least seven women to replace the one that I am. (Not that he'll have any trouble scoring seven women, I'm sure he's gone through that many already in the past 3 weeks, if that's what he's choosing to console himself with, if he even needs consolation. But the cheap and easy ones just won't add up to even a fraction of what I am.) I hope he feels my absence like a lost tooth with a sore spot his tongue can't leave alone.
Is that too much to ask, to find somebody who sees my value, digs me, and can't bear to not have me as theirs? Maybe the fact that it hasn't happened yet is the Universe's way of telling me that it isn't my time yet. Or that the right guy is out there but isn't ready yet. I'm ok with being alone, but I wish the Universe would stop teasing and distracting me with these almost-good-enough guys that ultimately just end up hurting me and making me feel like a failure for no good reason. Leave me alone to my 6 cats and red wine and books and music, will ya? Stop with the torture already, universe. I'm tired of it, I don't have the energy to swing the bat at your difficult pitches anymore. I'll be lucky to get my weary ass all the way back into the protective shelter of the dugout this time. I may just lay down in the dirt behind home base and call it a day.
This is still chapping my ass, predictably. One thing in particular is sticking in my craw that I can't explain. Maybe someone can shed some light on this, or explain it to me, because the cognitive dissonance it is causing is like white noise to my brain, and quite frankly I have better shit to be doing than churning over this bs.
Two days, a mere 48 hours before this all went sideways for reasons I still don't (and probably will never) understand, we were in his car, after having spent the day apart. He remembered (once I was there, at his apartment) that he had his sister's birthday party to attend an hour away on Saturday, and alleged that it wasn't the right time or place to introduce "a new girl" to the family. I didn't necessarily disagree, since I wasn't trying to meet his family nor introduce him to mine, although now I see that there never was any intention - ever - to introduce me to anyone in his life. I was filler. Probably too old, tattooed, and divorced too many times to be proud of, or some shit like that. Not parent-friendly material, as he had alluded to a few times. Whatevs. If you're at the age where you still need their approval, you're not ready any damn way.
Anyway, I had asked him if he needed a little more alone time to paint or work on whatever, since his palpable awkwardness since I showed up at his place the day before was making me feel like I was intruding on his (already vast) personal space, which was never my intention. He actually looked at me kind of sheepishly and said, "I've been thinking about that, and I feel bad that you're here in town, and I'm being really selfish spending all this time focused on stuff I can do anytime. You're more important to me than anything I could accomplish in a few hours on this painting."
Wat?!! Hark, were those angels singing? I'm pretty sure I may have smiled ear-to-ear at that moment. I was honestly touched. And a little relieved that I wasn't the only one thinking he had been being really weirdly withdrawn even though he insisted that he did want me to spend the weekend at his place. Believe me, I was raised by an artist, and I know it requires a certain level of intense concentration sometimes, and occasional self-absorption when needed. I'm ok with that, I really wasn't bucking for more time with him per se...just a little more validation when we were apart. That's all.
We proceeded to have a really chill night in - I cooked up a storm while he painted. We listened to good music and had random discussions while he would pop into the kitchen to rinse out his paintbrush and pause to kiss me on the shoulder - something that, to this day, I can't figure out why he did since clearly it meant nothing (and now I want to blacken out my tattoo there so it at least looks different and that memory isn't completely visually triggered every time I look at my own damn shoulder blades and see what he was kissing). It was a great night, way better in my book than going out and tearing up the town. That's I guess my last really good memory of 'us', and it still stings to relive it just long enough to write it down.
Cut to two nights later when that discussion where I was just trying to communicate the same thing back to him (hey, you're important to me too. Apparently that was scary or wrong?), and asking for a little more acknowledgement when I wasn't around (like, when I need reassurance, lay off the shark memes and fart jokes for a minute and reassure me. That's all. Nothing major.) was enough to freak him out for some reason to the point where although I was allegedly "more important to him than..." whatever, apparently I'm dead to him now too. And I looked him in the eye that night and said, "when you told me on Saturday I was important to you, that was the first time in seven months I had any actual confirmation of that. And I really appreciated it. That's the kind of validation I was asking for." But his eyes were already vacant, whatever part of him I thought I'd spent half a year connecting with had fled the scene. My eyes had already staged a coup and started crying on their own, which is humiliating to say the least. He interpreted my tears to mean something they didn't, I think, that I was head over heels in love (in 'like', maybe. Love? No. Didn't know him well enough. Clearly.), because he kept shaking his head and saying, "I'm not there. I'm not there." Where? I wasn't "there" either! FFS. The fact that I had to prompt him to get any response out of him 5 tortured days later, and a shitty, selfish, glib response at that tells me that he completely checked out at that moment in the hotel room and shut off any feelings he may have ever had for me. He was no longer considering my feelings as a human being he had once felt was important enough to reach out to and text or talk to every single day for half of a year. WTF?
The combination of asking - not yelling, not even speaking angrily - about someone he had friended on FB, and talking about 'validation' (because, uh, he DID build a relationship with me by reaching out to me daily and agreeing to be exclusive a month or so ago...) was enough to spur a freak-out and invalidate what we had? I just don't get it. It was not that intense of a moment, it was not an 'attack', it was a fucking normal conversation between two adults who (I thought) liked each other and were trying to maintain a good long-distance relationship. Really, it wasn't anything major. And it's not like we disagreed frequently - it's been pretty smooth sailing. So what gives?!
Can anyone explain this shit to me? Because it DOES NOT COMPUTE.
One theory is that I nailed him with the chick on fb. He was uncomfortable because maybe he *was* doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing with her, even if it was only online flirting. Who knows. I'm sure I never will. Because if he wasn't creeping, there's no need to be defensive at all. And I wasn't professing undying love to him and freaked him out either. Neither one of those conversations should have caused this to end the way it did, and I'm hurt, confused, and ultimately mad as hell that it went down like that, because I really thought we were better than that.
Guess I'll need to go get my radar re-calibrated. AGAIN.
There really is nothing quite as confusing or hurtful as having somebody you thought was into you (because they told you they were) look you in the eye, while you are clearly wanting some reassurance from them (and not getting it), and saying to you, "I see you, JC. I see who you, [inserts my full name here, with only my maiden name, emphasizing that he believes he can see all the way into my soul and therefore he knows the REAL 'me' better than anybody else], ARE." And the way he says it at the time it doesn't sound like a bad thing. It sounded like admiration. I actually (stupidly) thought a compliment was going to follow that deep-sounding statement, since he spent months lauding my many accomplishments and personality traits.
But when the follow up was not a reassuring kind word or embrace, but an uninterpretable sideways glance, a patronizing kiss on top of the head, and a door closing forever, it leaves one wondering... what was the point of saying that to me? What exactly did that comment mean? Was it to make me feel worse? To elevate himself, put himself on an unreachable pedestal where he thinks he knows something I don't? I see you for who you are, and it's not good enough? Or I don't like it? You don't measure up? You're good, but not worth the effort, because I'm more into ME? You're good, but there's better out there? Or I see you, and it's not what I want? I think I know what he was thinking - that I was already in love but he wasn't. While that isn't true, I clearly was more 'in like' than he was, or this wouldn't have happened. I invested. He was window-shopping.
It bothers me that this bothers me. I know I'm good enough AND worth the effort. Worth more effort than I received, in fact. Much more. And I'm sure he's feeling like quite the martyr right now, falling on his own sword, telling himself, "I had to let an amazing woman go because I'm just not 'in a place to have a relationship' right now. I would have only hurt her more later on." It will probably even merit at least a paragraph, if not a chapter in the autobiography he will undoubtedly write (it's already started, I'm sure) and release five minutes after achieving any level of fame (or infamy). To which I would respond, if I was worth contacting every single day (apparently I was), spending 2-3 hours on the phone several times a week (he initiated, not me), and committing to be exclusive with, then how can you shut it down and walk away from it, when nothing bad happened in that entire time?
The only thing I can think of that I did that may have set him off was question him (very tentatively, not aggressively) about somebody he had friended on FB, and also about why he seemed very reluctant to introduce me to ANYBODY in his inner circle. Ummm, if you're not hiding anything, why is a simple question a problem? Are those questions (and they really were just politely posed questions - not an "attack" as he later said it was - that should have been easily answerable without flicking the switch into SuperDefensiveMan mode.) really worth ending a fun, 7-month relationship and friendship over? I'm flattered when someone gives enough of a shit about me to want to know what's going on in my life and in my head. If he had asked me about someone I friended, I would be more than happy to explain. But I guess that's because my motives and actions were pure, and I had nothing to hide. He met some of my inner circle. He even knew that my family knew about him. I'm fairly sure that to this day, his family and friends don't know my name, much less that I exist other than "some chick in Florida he sees once in a while, nothing serious." When in the meantime, he was investing enough effort to get my attention, despite the fact that I wasn't really in the market looking for anything. It made him feel important, to have a woman like me 'on the hook'. He created this, and since I believed what he said and became interested in seeing what would happen, I let him. My mistake.
It leads me to believe that none of it was real. It was all ego-stroking. Having the comforting feeling of someone giving a shit about his life. Someone admiring his talent and wit and more than just his looks. Which, by the way, worked against him in the beginning of our relationship. He is VERY focused on his outward appearance, and proud of it. Not that this is inherently wrong or bad, but it's not everything - or even the most important thing - to me. Looks change. I told him I wasn't interested in trying to compete for a young, good-looking bartender that women clearly throw themselves at all day and night. He responded by saying, "I know, I look like I'm a total douche, right?" [Note to self: once again, listen to Maya Angelou - "when somebody tells you who they are...believe them the first time."] I replied by saying, "I don't necessarily know exactly what a douche looks like, so I won't say you look like a douche, just that you look like you could have extremely high douchebag potential." There I go, not listening to my intuition again... So maybe it was the challenge of a woman (a real grown one too, not a college-aged bimbo like he's used to) like me who wasn't initially interested. Something to conquer, achieve, add to the notches in the belt and tell as a war story when attending the weekly Douchebag Brunch.
I think I was just someone to check in with and talk to when he was bored. It's a security blanket that he took advantage of. Because if any of that had been real, he wouldn't be able to walk away from it. Not a Libra. We never walk away from love, or the possibility of it. We don't 'find time' for what's important in our lives, we make time. Life never hands us what we want when we want it. Think about how many people get pregnant (or can't) when they want to. Life hands you something, and you have to shuffle everything else to make it work. That doesn't mean you ignore your other priorities to their detriment, you just find a way to include all the things that are important to you. I clearly was not one of those important things to him.
So this whole, "this isn't a good time for me" rhetoric is boolshit. I was never demanding, I gave that man more space than NASA. This all fell apart because I was feeling insecure because in addition to having a nerve-wracking week, I noticed that his focus was not at all on me or us when we weren't together (which was most of the time), even when we were texting or talking, and I wanted some validation that things were ok. Apparently that was too much to ask of somebody who did not have sincere feelings for me, but liked to keep me around to feed the ego-monster.
But why tell me he SEES who I AM, not indicate if it's good or bad, then just LEAVE? (Oh, and go dark for 5 days straight, nice touch.) That is starting to feel like the biggest insult of all. Don't lay it on me and try to make me feel like I'm the one who doesn't measure up, when he is the one who took my hand, walked me down this path knowing where it was leading (having been warned multiple times about not doing THIS EXACT FUCKING THING to me like the last guy - stay tuned for an entry on "Gaslighting - it's a thing", when I feel like giving enough of a shit to write it), then abandoning ship when the slightest request for validation was put upon him. Because it freaked him out that somebody wanted some of his precious "me" time or energy - a whole one minute of validation that he was really IN this, that it isn't all just bullshit where when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind.
Quite frankly, that makes him an egomaniacal, selfish user of a human being who fed his voracious ego on me instead of filling it from within, because I'm nice to be around and come with lots of creature comforts. I gave him an 'out' a month or so ago when we talked about becoming exclusive. After 6 months of him pursuing me, and me being lead down a path that seemed too good to be true (because it was), I ran the litmus test of seeing if he'd go off the market. He stepped up. Even after I offered, "if you're not feeling it, if you're not really IN this, and don't think there's something here that might possibly develop into something someday, you need to rip off the bandaid and let me go right now." But he didn't. His ego hadn't finished feeding on me yet, apparently. Or maybe there was some aspect of me that he still found challenging and hadn't yet conquered. Because genuine interest certainly can't have been what was keeping him around and still in the game, not based on his actions last week.
I put my pride away and broke the 5-day silence and sent an email to confirm exactly WTF was going on, and received an email response early the next morning that I'm sure he's very proud of, although from my perspective, nothing really is addressed. He blathers on about how good the leftovers of the food I cooked him (just a few days ago, when things still seemed good) are when eaten cold. Foreal. He talks about that in his final words to me, like it's a consolation prize or something. There's no ownership of his behavior in there. Disappointing for a supposedly self-aware guy who has had lots of counseling and a psychology degree. No real "I'm sorry" anywhere in his carefully chosen words that once again paint a picture where he's not actually responsible for what he did, it's just "time to focus on my ambitions". Was one of those ambitions tricking, using, then abandoning a good human being exactly one week before the most stressful day in her life, once you got her to the point where she was invested in you emotionally? Good job, mission accomplished, check that one off of your monthly list. Closing that bombastic, self-serving email by thanking me repeatedly, as if I had voluntarily provided some sort of a service or something to him? Disgusting. His ego and selfishness know no bounds.
Don't underestimate me and think I haven't thought of the other alternatives, either. He did quit his job just a few weeks ago and free up more time (not enough for me, apparently). While he did get more serious about investing practice into the businesses he's cultivating, he also invested more time laying out at his pool. I'm well aware that based on the timing of this train wreck, he could've met that little chick he friended at the pool, since she's local, and started spending time with HER and found that preferable to me. (Although he claimed she was just a 'fling' he'd had at one time - like I needed that unnecessary level of detail - and he accepted her friend request because he doesn't give a shit about social media. ?? I asked, logically, "well then why do it at all?" No good answer came from that.) I'm not stupid. He could have found a more convenient, accessible, impressionable, age-appropriate mark who wouldn't ask for quid pro quo in a casual relationship. To which I would say, she can HAVE him, if that's the type of guy he is. You can't get and keep a woman like me in your life if you're half-steppin.
So I know it could be any one of a million scenarios that I'm not going to use my mental bandwidth to explore, because it isn't worth it.
But it is beyond unexplainable, hurtful or even disappointing. It's fucking infuriating, and feels deliberate.
And clearly his loss, not mine.
Trying to forget all of the memories and convince myself he was just an imaginary friend. Which, really, he kind of was, since the person he presented to me doesn't seem to have actually existed.
He's dead to me now.
