As much as I like saving money and getting a bargain, I don't hesitate to invest in something that I need, adore, or feel compelled to buy, even if it's still full price. Maybe that's why I don't put myself through Black Friday hell.
I was told by this guy, on the first night that we discussed having a (non)relationship, that every person sets their own price. I believe his quote was, "even if I have a million dollars, if I can get you for two dollars, I'm only gonna give you two dollars." Sounds shitty, but he wasn't actually insulting me and insinuating that I was only WORTH $2, he was saying it in a friendly warning/advisory manner, giving me advice that I determine my worth to others, or I guess what the cost of entry into my life is. I'm not sure what brought us to that particular conversation at that moment. I have always known my worth and value, and even at those times when I chose to make an exception, I never left it up to others to make that determination. I hold the pricing gun.
But I guess you could say this guy found me on my own personal Black Friday. I had a fire sale. "ALL ITEMS MUST GO!" "LIMITED TIME OFFER!" "NO EXCHANGES OR REFUNDS!" Even though I had never had a (non)relationship like I had with him before, I was willing to lower my price temporarily, let go of some of my typical high pricing (transparency, fidelity, exclusivity), to give it a shot. It might be worth it. You never know what you're going to find at the bottom of that neglected, half-empty bin back in the corner that has been overlooked. Maybe there's some tchotchke or gadget that you wouldn't normally look twice at, much less consider taking home with you, but if it's cheap enough, well, what the hell?! Let's try it.
Do I think of myself (or him) as some leftover trinket that got relegated to a dark corner of a cheap store? No. Not at all. But sometimes, if you rummage through those discount outlets, you'll find a designer piece in perfect condition, marked with a tag that says, "last season". Maybe it didn't make it on the shelves when it was more in demand last year, or maybe the market was flooded with cheaper knockoffs and it was excess. Who knows how it got there, but its original value is still marked on the tag, just stamped over with a temporary discount to get it back out into circulation. But the recipient of that bargain still gets to strut down the street with that designer piece on their arm - nobody needs to know the new owner paid less than everybody else who has one.
Now this isn't to say I lowered my standards by going out with him - that is not what I'm saying either. This is a person I would have gone out with at any other time in my life - not just at what is a typically vulnerable, overwhelming time like I was expected to be having when this thing started. One would think I would have been in that expected broken-down state right then, considering the pending divorce and everything that had led to it. But actually, I was fine, and I told him that. A little shocked at the speed with which things were changing in my life, but I felt pretty stable. I wasn't sitting home crying at all. I was busy being independent and happy to be free of the negativity that had saddled me for the past 5 years or so. I wasn't looking for anything or anybody. But that day I had decided to show up at a social event I don't frequently attend anymore, almost like I was being driven to go there by some other force. I remember feeling like a puppet, just going through the motions completely numb, but knowing that getting out and seeing friends would be good for me. I have to wonder what it was that drove me to go there, to see him, and to reconnect. And then take it a step further when I saw that he made it a point to open his doors to me. It did all happen with dizzying speed, but it was good. I have to think that it was what I needed, a pleasant distraction, a kind of human band-aid or salve for something that was actually healing pretty well on its own anyway. Although the way it ended up, I guess it turned out to be another bruise that just distracted me from my earlier one. That's ok too, sometimes a different kind of pain is a relief from the one you're used to. And it didn't turn into pain until somewhat recently, when I realized my fire sale was over and my prices were returning to normal. That's when I think we both realized he wasn't carrying the type or amount of currency required to keep this particular trinket in his life.
I guess the fire is dying already (thankfully), because I'm not quite as focused in my message or my metaphors here. I guess that's a good thing. I think that upon hearing some random commentary about some 'sightings' from mutual friends that I realized that I didn't lose to 'nothing' after all, there's definitely still a 'something' (or rather, 'someone') else in the picture, that he didn't want to (and rightly, didn't have to) admit to, this gives me the piece of the puzzle I was missing. It doesn't hurt any less, particularly when you know your competition's flaws and feel like you still came up short against them. But when words and actions don't jive, a red flag gets thrown on the play. Then when words and more words don't jive, my brain calls 'foul' and just goes into complete overdrive, hence my overanalysis of the situation. It was my gut, telling me something ain't right. I'm missing information. THIS is why I was in the JAG Corps. THIS is why I like forensics shows. My brain can't rest until it all makes sense. So now that it seems to be falling into place, and the scabs are becoming less painful scars, I'm reflecting on how and why I got myself into that situation to begin with, and how it managed to turn from a fun and pleasant distraction into an emotional rollercoaster. So I don't do it again.
The how? That's easy. I put myself out there, and I am an open person. Open to receive what somebody tells me, and because I do not lie or obfuscate, I never assume that others (particularly those known, liked, and respected by me) would do it either. I give them the benefit of the doubt that I want given to me. I'm also open to trying new things, even if they seem a little out of character or uncomfortable at first. That's how I ended up in a college beauty pageant, the Army National Guard, a fire department, a motorcycle association, and several tattoo parlors. I put myself out there. It's the only way for me to live - fully.
The why? I guess I felt the need to socialize and distract myself from the onerous tasks I was faced with: finding (and paying) a lawyer, drawing the lines of what's mine vs. what belongs to my ex, packing it up, facing the enormity of it all...who wants to wake up, work, deal with that, go to sleep, wake up, deal with that...? Nobody. Certainly not I. So having not been in the dating pool for over a decade (!!), I was willing to try something different with someone unexpected just for shits and giggles, even though I wasn't looking for anything. Never expected anything to come of it. Just welcomed the distraction. And if you read my blog, you know the rest...it seemed to become much more. 'Seemed' being the operative word here.
Upon reflection, it 'seems' that this guy is quite the bargain shopper, and knows that the best way to find hidden gems at a sale is to shop early and often. Always have a backup, in case the first one you bought doesn't work out. And he got himself one hell of a deal for a while there (LIMITED TIME ONLY!). The price of entry into my life wasn't the typical 'top shelf' fee I feel I'm worth (DEEP DISCOUNTS!). I decided to hang out with the well liquor and cheap house wine, the white zin and moscato, for a while, since they seem to have a lot of fun and get invited to the dance a lot more than the dry pinot grigios and malbecs. I put myself there, in the bargain bin, and opened the kimono to someone who got a majorly discounted ticket to the show.
And you know what? It's ok. It didn't kill me. It did distract me. Taught me a hard lesson or eight. People don't always mean what they say. People don't always have my best interests at heart. People don't always understand how their actions can have a profound and/or damaging effect on others. People don't always CARE if their actions have a damaging effect on others. People will take as much as you will give them, and then they will ask for more. If you're stupid enough to give it to them, they will take that too and still not say thank you or change their greedy, selfish ways. And just because you give them what they want does not mean they will suddenly become a better person or want the same thing as you.
Maybe the universe was trying to give me some tough love, a velvet hammer of sorts. Like, "ok, JC, you're going through the worst of the shit right now, so I'm gonna give you this fun thing to distract yourself with for a while. But when the worst of the divorce is over, the fun part is going to start causing you a lot of stress, and I'm gonna hit you over the head with some shitty life lessons so you don't stagger around for the rest of your life being an overly trusting idiot who gets used by manipulative people who don't have your best interests at heart. You're welcome."
And I'm not necessarily saying he is a shitty manipulative person - on purpose. I don't want to believe his actions were done with malice. I still think this is an inherently good human being, with many redeeming qualities. But in addition to not being at the same 'place' as me in terms of relationships, he's been doing this a lot longer than I have. My girlfriends refer to his type as "smooth operators." They know just when to find you, pluck you, what to say to you to draw you in, how to treat you, and what to do to keep you coming back for more, all the while also doing it with others to make sure they are never really alone nor fully emotionally invested in just one. Hedging their bets. And that's their right, and they will get incredibly defensive and shitty if you try to call them out on it, since they never promised you ANYTHING. (Nevermind that their behavior did not uphold that verbal agreement and led you down a different path.) If surface-level 'micro-relationships' featuring false intimacy is what nurtures their ego, they can go ahead and do that. And keep doing that, and doing that, because they will need to keep juggling to meet their emotional needs quota. I'm not judging them for it, but from my perspective, they will never get to experience the fulfillment from a deep level of commitment or partnership - that true intimacy that we as companion-craving human souls are truly nourished by. They certainly have the right to keep everybody an emotional arm's length from their hearts and their true selves, to protect it from whatever perceived danger they aren't willing to risk, or the hard work of being in a committed relationship that they aren't willing to do. I just wish they came with warning labels, because they think they're operating above-board and all is kosher, but I'm willing to bet they leave behind them a trail of broken women who don't fully understand what hit them.
Strangely, this guy even asked me once why that happens - why do women always try to turn these non-relationships into something more. So I called him out on his behavior, told him his actions did not jive with his words. He puts on the boyfriend pants real fast and they looked good on him and they were comfortable for him. Did he pull back after I told him that? You betcha. About 10 minutes after that conversation ended. And it lasted for about 12 hours, then he was back to the extremely confusing behavior that kept me wrapped around the axle of a train to nowhere for about 4 months.
But I enjoyed the first part of the ride, I have some really great memories that one day I hope will not be too painful or anger-inducing to access. I'm trying to desensitize myself to all the memories attached to the music I associate with our times together. That's a tough one for me. But I'll get there. I'm better every day, getting used to the quieter phone. Not having my mind chew the confusing bits over and over anymore. Not worrying about what he's doing or thinking. It's liberating, and I'm starting to seek, feel, and enjoy the sunshine again, even on Black Friday when everyone else is inside bargain shopping.
At the end of the day, you get what you pay for. We only paid part of the normal entry fees for a relationship, and that's exactly what we got - the cheapest parts of a relationship. I'm going to follow Apple's model and keep my prices high - there's always a selective market of people who are willing to pay for high quality. I'll just have to make sure they have the type and amount of currency I require, and are willing to part with it, to get me off of the shelf again.
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