Like, I *want* a big house with a pool. The house I ended up falling in love with didn't have one, and I know it's not financially brilliant to pay to put one in. So I settled, and it's ok. I've never woken up angry or regretful that I don't have a swimming pool. I basically couldn't afford one, and I've come to terms with that.
When I go shopping, I *want* the perfect shoes. High-heeled, yet super comfortable, sexy, edgy, but walkable. Talk about a unicorn. I haven't found that pair yet. So I settle for "not too painful but very sexy" or "kinda cute but very comfortable", or if I'm really feeling vain and hopeless in my search for shoe perfection, I'll go for the, "sexy and completely unwalkable" variety and hope I can just mince around and perch on a barstool all night and look cute.
So I settle all the time. But when it comes to affairs of the heart, when do you settle? And how is that different than compromising?
To "settle for" is defined by thefreedictionary.com as "to accept in spite of incomplete satisfaction."
"Compromise" is defined as "a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions."
It looks to me like the difference is between either one party or two accepting less-than-desirable terms. In relationships, we all know compromise is necessary. I compromised all the time in my past relationships - probably too much. But as a woman with a very strong personality, I am easily perceived as a steamroller (a.k.a. 'bitch') when I argue or debate to convince them of my way, because few men seem to be able to (or want to) go toe-to-toe with me in a debate. Ironically, that's the one thing I crave the most in a partner. One who isn't afraid of me and my strong opinions and solid arguments (ok, not all of them are solid, but I always think they are when I go into it...) and will stand his ground calmly and help me see if from his point of view. I admire the hell out of someone who can do that. And it has been done. I was humbled and filled with admiration simultaneously when this last guy pointed out flaws in my interpretation of his communications. WHAT!? *I* am the Queen Communicator! I couldn't possibly have misinterpreted or misunderstood a simple text message...oh shit. I did. And he called me out on it. Strangely, I loved that. Put me in my place, and made me feel like I finally had an equal.
As my last marriage started falling apart, I had noticed that his pattern in an argument would be to angrily express what he wanted, barely trying to understand why I wanted what I wanted, then throwing his hands in the air in defeat and then running away from the issue, completely abdicating his vote on the matter. I was usually still struggling to understand his point of view as he was shutting down emotionally and avoiding me. Then he would hold me 100% responsible for the outcome when the decision I was left to make alone didn't pan out perfectly. Oh, and there would absolutely be some passive-aggressive retribution involved...the issue would ALWAYS come up later and I would pay for it, one way or the other. I will definitely be more aware of the intimidation factor and my steamroller tendencies if I ever choose to have another relationship with someone who isn't a cat. (That's a big 'if' right now.) But I'd rather just find a man who has a pair and isn't afraid of a debate. (Not a fight. I hate fighting as much as the next person. I believe evolved humans can debate and discuss and even disagree without escalating and getting heated and ugly.)
But in addition to compromising (or at least trying to) in my marriage, I also settled. Was I aware I was settling in the beginning? On some level, I'm sure I was. I knew I'd always earn more money than him, but that's not a deal breaker for me. I frankly don't care about somebody's salary or title. BUT. To put a finer point on it, did he even try to work up to his potential? No. He would settle for a 'just good enough for now' job every time and glom onto it instead of reaching higher. I do understand this is part of the work ethos from his culture, so I'm not being judgmental about it, but I now know that this is something that bothers me on some level, and I can't change that. I can't make a man want to work up to his potential, and I can't change the fact that I lose respect for him when he doesn't. So I think I knew I was settling, but I was trying so hard to be 'fair' and 'nonjudgmental' that I buried it and tried to ignore it. Ultimately, that is the very thing that undid us - when the economy shifted, and we moved to a depressed city, his current skill set did not enable him to have a decent income. And despite my offers of support and encouragement, he never made any efforts to better himself (beyond talking about it) and get some education that would help him move upward. His inability to provide for himself and his family corroded his ego to such a point that it completely fell apart and he resorted to doing things like cheating on me and disrespecting me in public to bolster that sore, crippled man-ego. I, of course, won't tolerate that shit, so it's over. That drive to improve oneself has to come from the inside. External factors, even love, won't make you do it.
What I wonder about is, did he know that I was settling for him? He had to have, on some level. Ultimately, how much can you trust the love coming from someone you know is lowering their standards and settling for you? Doesn't that feel more like charity of some sort, or pity? I would not be comfortable knowing that, if I were the charity case. My pride wouldn't let me stay. Maybe that was the root of our undoing. He knew, and was never comfortable with it. But that would have had to have been on a very sub-conscious level - this man is not very self-actualized (AT ALL), and doesn't look too deeply in the mirror, since he is (and apparently many others are) all too happy with what he sees on the surface. It's a good theory though, I think. :::pats self on back:::
All of which leads me into my next (non)relationship and questions about compromise vs. settling. I don't think either one of us would have been settling for the other in any way. That's why it felt so electric - having someone of equal stature in life, neither of us would have to make excuses for the other for any reason. I'd never have to explain for the umpteenth time to my family that I was still paying all the household bills because he couldn't get a good job because he had no education in this country and his English skills weren't as good as they should be. I could argue a point with him and he would listen intently -- intensely, even -- then deliver his thoughts on the point usually in story form, via an anecdote of something that happened in his past. He never shied away from telling me my point of view was limited or maybe even totally off-base. I admired that. I valued that. I treasured that. And now I miss that. But back to my point.
We wouldn't have had a problem around 'settling', since we were on even ground. But compromise seems to be where we fell down. I wanted transparency and exclusivity. He wanted all the emotional intimacy of a committed relationship - without the commitment part. In order for us to have a compromise, we'd both be giving up what we wanted most. I'd still have to tolerate the lack of transparency and lack of exclusivity - things that make me the most miserable. He'd have to tolerate invasive-feeling questions, and a tether to only one woman. Clearly both things he wasn't willing to do either. So in our case, compromise just wasn't possible, which is why it's over, despite all of the good things we had going for us.
So now I wonder (more frequently than I want to or should), is he settling for/with someone else? Since he claimed he didn't want ANY commitments, I'll extrapolate that to his other relationships as well and not take it too personally (that's a lie, by the way, I'm totally taking it personally, as you can tell) and choose to believe he's not committing to HER either. But she's still sticking around for it. So...are they both settling? Or compromising? It's not my relationship, so it's none of my damn business, but my mind can't help but go there (to torture myself, of course) and wonder.
If I knew the person I was seeing wanted something else, something more, but I was only willing to feed them the bare breadcrumbs of a relationship, just enough to keep them coming back for more - would I respect them and truly want them in my life if I knew they were dysfunctional enough to accept that kind of treatment? Me, personally? Absolutely not. It reeks of desperation. But I guess it depends on what they want from each other. That's something I try NOT to think about too much, but apparently that dynamic is still working for them to some extent. They both get something out of each other that apparently is 'enough' for right now. That worked for us for a while too, but as my other posts will attest, it turned into a whole other thing that kind of took over and made 'enough' into 'not nearly enough', for me anyway. And I had to walk (or rather, stagger) away, although looking back frequently through a haze of tears and runny mascara to see if he's chasing after me. Which he isn't.
I cried over it again as recently as yesterday. Of course, I also ripped the scab off again (yeah, I know. Cut it out, asshole. I'm working on it. Made it 19 whole days of radio silence this time, I'm improving.) and opened a dialogue. My bad. But the dynamic is still the same. He openly tells me he misses me. Which is validating, but painful. I miss him. We miss each other. This whole thing is stupid. But until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change, we'll remain in this emotional mexican standoff, just missing each other and enduring it.
Either I have to compromise and tolerate a man who is a mystery and won't commit, or he has to compromise and limit himself to one woman and be honest about everything.
Apparently, neither one of us feels like the 'good' the other brings to the relationship outweighs the 'bad' that those changes require of us. So there is no relationship.
In the meantime, I've holstered my virtual gun, I've turned my back on the whole thing and am no longer hopeful that he'll be the one to compromise. I know I can't, so why should I think he can? Even if to me, my terms seem more reasonable than his. But that's because they're MY terms. Just like when I dirty the kitchen, it's not THAT dirty, because it's MY dirt. When somebody else sullies my countertops, I'm all put out and huffy because it's OPD - Other People's Dirt, which everyone knows is dirtier than your own dirt. I'm sure he feels the same way, that I'm being completely unreasonable in choosing nothing with him over the something we used to have, and that what I'm asking for is not in his repertoire or is just a deal-breaker that he knows will make him miserable. And I don't want that. No temporary emotional high is worth knowing that you're breaking a man to get it. Because a broken man will never be a happy man, and you always pay a price in the end.
In a very weird way, this reminds me of the story of the gift of the magi. We'd both be sacrificing what we value most to give each other something that the other then cannot use - our broken, over-compromised selves. Not really a gift at all.
Speaking of gifts, I heard a rumor there's a holiday (rapidly) approaching. Maybe I should stop all this reflection on something I can't change, and make a dent in my Christmas preparations. Not feeling festive just yet, but that always changes when the plane lands in freezing-cold Pittsburgh where family awaits with good food and even better gifts. This year will be my first Christmas not having a significant other in my life, I think for about 10 years. It's going to feel strange and maybe a little hollow, but at least I won't have the dark spectre of misery that followed me the past 6 years there to ruin it as usual. So I'll make the best of it.
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