dodging bullets

Have you ever felt like life was just an exercise in dodging bullets?  Metaphorical ones, of course (for most of us); the situations that come screaming at us too fast to fully analyze, but we're forced to choose a course of action and live with the consequences anyway?  Sometimes we don't even get a chance to make the choice; the gun is behind us, and by the time you hear the report of the shot echoing through the room, its path has already been carved through your life regardless of the plans you already had in place.

Sometimes when it happens, you can't believe your luck.  I mean, clearly, who wants to be shot, right?  You can see it right at the moment it happens, like a near miss in a car accident.  "Phew, glad I'm ok!"  But other times, that bullet might be disguised as something else, something actually desirable.  Something you might want to be hit with, like a tossed bouquet of flowers, some kind of love bomb.  You are all lined up to receive it, and BAM! some completely average-looking heifer leaps in front of you and intercepts YOUR bouquet.  You hate her for it, you are hurt and indignant and feel left out since you just *know* it had been destined to be all yours, not hers.  It's only after days (weeks, months) of tears and self-pity that you look in the rearview mirror and realize that the shrapnel and fallout from that love bomb would have messed you up so much more than you could have anticipated.  That "average-looking heifer" was your new BFF from the universe, taking a bullet for you because you didn't recognize it for what it was, so blinded you were from the glare coming off of its tip.

I missed a big one last week, .50 caliber at least.  My company had a RIF (Reduction in Force), and a rather large one at that.  After years of acquisitions, we had a lot of duplication of roles and were becoming top-heavy.  Cuts had to be made to keep us running in a lean and efficient manner, and management emphasized that those cuts were not a reflection on individual performance.  While I understand the need for these types of actions, and have survived dozens of them in my career, each one is like a tremor that cracks the foundation you are standing on.  I have left companies in the past because even though I knew I was a valued contributor, watching good friends (including some who I felt did a better job than me) lose their jobs in a seemingly arbitrary manner was creating some kind of corporate PTSD in me that I just couldn't live with. (See earlier blog post about this very thing here.)  Paranoia enters, which is the best fertilizer for growing self doubt.  Once you are doubting your security, you become hyper-aware of every nuance of your coworkers:  did my boss just surreptitiously roll his eyes at me?  Did that salesweasel who hates me because I have ovaries throw me under the bus?  Did my coworker rat me out because I don't have a decade of experience with our product?  Am I going to be cut because I'm "geographically undesirable"?  Next thing you know, you're sporting new baggage under your eyes and are too tired to work because you're losing sleep due to all the insecurities the situation has created.  Now you really ARE in danger of being cut, RIF or not, because your performance is slipping.  It's a negative cycle that I'd like to avoid, but this seems impossible to do in corporate America, particularly in software companies where the ebb and flow of industry trends, acquisitions and mergers, and the whim of seemingly capricious upper-level management all combine to control the next tremor.

This was the first major action of its kind since I've been at this company for the past 3.5 years.  The only thing I know for sure at this point is that it won't be the last.  The smartest thing I could do is have a fallback plan, just in case, but the mere thought of opening that particular pandora's box is exhausting - polishing up the resume, fielding calls and emails from scads of recruiters...ugh.  I'm just not motivated.  I'll be having lunch with my boss tomorrow, and I'm sure he'll be as reassuring as possible whilst not going too far and outright lying to me about job security.  One of the things we plan on discussing is a possible plan for me to spend more time in the beltway to be more accessible to the team.  My idea, not his.  (Although they have been haranguing me to relocate back to the area since my divorce, I've put them off every time.  After this RIF, I'm suddenly more willing to entertain the idea...)  

Lately I've been wondering if the universe isn't conspiring to somehow pull me back to the beltway for some future event or situation not yet on my radar.  After escaping my second shitty marriage (both of which I consider to be bullets I took the full force of but recovered from, stronger and wiser), I pulled some Matrix shit and dodged a few more, and the universe definitely helped me out there.  Some I was smart enough to dodge on my own, others, I had to be shoved roughly out of the way of, scraping my knees and elbows on the way down and taking one hell of a bruise on the ego to avoid.  But it worked.  I'm currently bullet-free, left only with some scar tissue and lessons learned to protect me from future shooting sprees.  Not only am I bullet-free, I'm just FREE.  Single.    Unfettered.  Unattached to anything except the house and financial responsibilities I'm tied to in Jacksonville.  It feels good!  It's been a long time since those major winds of change blew in my direction, and spurred me to put on my gypsy outfit and start thinking about what I really want and where I really want to go/be/do.  That particular breeze is definitely back, blowing my hair back and ruffling my skirt.  Feels good to be restless again, and so fitting that it always seems to happen in Spring, when nature herself is already changing things for the better.

The last time I lived in the beltway started out as a rough time in my life, became one of the BEST times in my life, then ended without fanfare as I moved to Miami with my starter husband, onto bigger and better (well, at least warmer) things.  Despite it all, I really have nothing but fond memories of my time in DC.  It's an amazing, dynamic city.  Over the past few years, I have also been fortunate enough to continue to travel there for work and maintain my friendships with some very important people in my life, and even make new friendships I'd like to explore and possibly develop further.  Is this why work has been pressuring me so much?  I need to be there for next steps to happen for my career or personal life?  Or is Jacksonville, although geographically the largest city in the U.S., just too backwater to contain me?  (Wow, that sounded pompous.  Sorry, but after living in two major markets, there's really no other way to express that thought.)

Of course I don't have those answers yet, and I won't pretend to.  What I've learned up to now is the best thing I can do is pursue opportunities when they are presented to me, even if they seem difficult or unlikely to pan out.  The only regrets I have are the things I haven't done or given a chance, and I don't want to start having those now.  

Gotta go, I have a suitcase to pack.  My plane leaves in a few hours, and I want to be prepared for whatever comes out of the firing chamber next.