There really is nothing quite as confusing or hurtful as having somebody you thought was into you (because they told you they were) look you in the eye, while you are clearly wanting some reassurance from them (and not getting it), and saying to you, "I see you, JC. I see who you, [inserts my full name here, with only my maiden name, emphasizing that he believes he can see all the way into my soul and therefore he knows the REAL 'me' better than anybody else], ARE." And the way he says it at the time it doesn't sound like a bad thing. It sounded like admiration. I actually (stupidly) thought a compliment was going to follow that deep-sounding statement, since he spent months lauding my many accomplishments and personality traits.
But when the follow up was not a reassuring kind word or embrace, but an uninterpretable sideways glance, a patronizing kiss on top of the head, and a door closing forever, it leaves one wondering... what was the point of saying that to me? What exactly did that comment mean? Was it to make me feel worse? To elevate himself, put himself on an unreachable pedestal where he thinks he knows something I don't? I see you for who you are, and it's not good enough? Or I don't like it? You don't measure up? You're good, but not worth the effort, because I'm more into ME? You're good, but there's better out there? Or I see you, and it's not what I want? I think I know what he was thinking - that I was already in love but he wasn't. While that isn't true, I clearly was more 'in like' than he was, or this wouldn't have happened. I invested. He was window-shopping.
It bothers me that this bothers me. I know I'm good enough AND worth the effort. Worth more effort than I received, in fact. Much more. And I'm sure he's feeling like quite the martyr right now, falling on his own sword, telling himself, "I had to let an amazing woman go because I'm just not 'in a place to have a relationship' right now. I would have only hurt her more later on." It will probably even merit at least a paragraph, if not a chapter in the autobiography he will undoubtedly write (it's already started, I'm sure) and release five minutes after achieving any level of fame (or infamy). To which I would respond, if I was worth contacting every single day (apparently I was), spending 2-3 hours on the phone several times a week (he initiated, not me), and committing to be exclusive with, then how can you shut it down and walk away from it, when nothing bad happened in that entire time?
The only thing I can think of that I did that may have set him off was question him (very tentatively, not aggressively) about somebody he had friended on FB, and also about why he seemed very reluctant to introduce me to ANYBODY in his inner circle. Ummm, if you're not hiding anything, why is a simple question a problem? Are those questions (and they really were just politely posed questions - not an "attack" as he later said it was - that should have been easily answerable without flicking the switch into SuperDefensiveMan mode.) really worth ending a fun, 7-month relationship and friendship over? I'm flattered when someone gives enough of a shit about me to want to know what's going on in my life and in my head. If he had asked me about someone I friended, I would be more than happy to explain. But I guess that's because my motives and actions were pure, and I had nothing to hide. He met some of my inner circle. He even knew that my family knew about him. I'm fairly sure that to this day, his family and friends don't know my name, much less that I exist other than "some chick in Florida he sees once in a while, nothing serious." When in the meantime, he was investing enough effort to get my attention, despite the fact that I wasn't really in the market looking for anything. It made him feel important, to have a woman like me 'on the hook'. He created this, and since I believed what he said and became interested in seeing what would happen, I let him. My mistake.
It leads me to believe that none of it was real. It was all ego-stroking. Having the comforting feeling of someone giving a shit about his life. Someone admiring his talent and wit and more than just his looks. Which, by the way, worked against him in the beginning of our relationship. He is VERY focused on his outward appearance, and proud of it. Not that this is inherently wrong or bad, but it's not everything - or even the most important thing - to me. Looks change. I told him I wasn't interested in trying to compete for a young, good-looking bartender that women clearly throw themselves at all day and night. He responded by saying, "I know, I look like I'm a total douche, right?" [Note to self: once again, listen to Maya Angelou - "when somebody tells you who they are...believe them the first time."] I replied by saying, "I don't necessarily know exactly what a douche looks like, so I won't say you look like a douche, just that you look like you could have extremely high douchebag potential." There I go, not listening to my intuition again... So maybe it was the challenge of a woman (a real grown one too, not a college-aged bimbo like he's used to) like me who wasn't initially interested. Something to conquer, achieve, add to the notches in the belt and tell as a war story when attending the weekly Douchebag Brunch.
I think I was just someone to check in with and talk to when he was bored. It's a security blanket that he took advantage of. Because if any of that had been real, he wouldn't be able to walk away from it. Not a Libra. We never walk away from love, or the possibility of it. We don't 'find time' for what's important in our lives, we make time. Life never hands us what we want when we want it. Think about how many people get pregnant (or can't) when they want to. Life hands you something, and you have to shuffle everything else to make it work. That doesn't mean you ignore your other priorities to their detriment, you just find a way to include all the things that are important to you. I clearly was not one of those important things to him.
So this whole, "this isn't a good time for me" rhetoric is boolshit. I was never demanding, I gave that man more space than NASA. This all fell apart because I was feeling insecure because in addition to having a nerve-wracking week, I noticed that his focus was not at all on me or us when we weren't together (which was most of the time), even when we were texting or talking, and I wanted some validation that things were ok. Apparently that was too much to ask of somebody who did not have sincere feelings for me, but liked to keep me around to feed the ego-monster.
But why tell me he SEES who I AM, not indicate if it's good or bad, then just LEAVE? (Oh, and go dark for 5 days straight, nice touch.) That is starting to feel like the biggest insult of all. Don't lay it on me and try to make me feel like I'm the one who doesn't measure up, when he is the one who took my hand, walked me down this path knowing where it was leading (having been warned multiple times about not doing THIS EXACT FUCKING THING to me like the last guy - stay tuned for an entry on "Gaslighting - it's a thing", when I feel like giving enough of a shit to write it), then abandoning ship when the slightest request for validation was put upon him. Because it freaked him out that somebody wanted some of his precious "me" time or energy - a whole one minute of validation that he was really IN this, that it isn't all just bullshit where when I'm out of sight I'm out of mind.
Quite frankly, that makes him an egomaniacal, selfish user of a human being who fed his voracious ego on me instead of filling it from within, because I'm nice to be around and come with lots of creature comforts. I gave him an 'out' a month or so ago when we talked about becoming exclusive. After 6 months of him pursuing me, and me being lead down a path that seemed too good to be true (because it was), I ran the litmus test of seeing if he'd go off the market. He stepped up. Even after I offered, "if you're not feeling it, if you're not really IN this, and don't think there's something here that might possibly develop into something someday, you need to rip off the bandaid and let me go right now." But he didn't. His ego hadn't finished feeding on me yet, apparently. Or maybe there was some aspect of me that he still found challenging and hadn't yet conquered. Because genuine interest certainly can't have been what was keeping him around and still in the game, not based on his actions last week.
I put my pride away and broke the 5-day silence and sent an email to confirm exactly WTF was going on, and received an email response early the next morning that I'm sure he's very proud of, although from my perspective, nothing really is addressed. He blathers on about how good the leftovers of the food I cooked him (just a few days ago, when things still seemed good) are when eaten cold. Foreal. He talks about that in his final words to me, like it's a consolation prize or something. There's no ownership of his behavior in there. Disappointing for a supposedly self-aware guy who has had lots of counseling and a psychology degree. No real "I'm sorry" anywhere in his carefully chosen words that once again paint a picture where he's not actually responsible for what he did, it's just "time to focus on my ambitions". Was one of those ambitions tricking, using, then abandoning a good human being exactly one week before the most stressful day in her life, once you got her to the point where she was invested in you emotionally? Good job, mission accomplished, check that one off of your monthly list. Closing that bombastic, self-serving email by thanking me repeatedly, as if I had voluntarily provided some sort of a service or something to him? Disgusting. His ego and selfishness know no bounds.
Don't underestimate me and think I haven't thought of the other alternatives, either. He did quit his job just a few weeks ago and free up more time (not enough for me, apparently). While he did get more serious about investing practice into the businesses he's cultivating, he also invested more time laying out at his pool. I'm well aware that based on the timing of this train wreck, he could've met that little chick he friended at the pool, since she's local, and started spending time with HER and found that preferable to me. (Although he claimed she was just a 'fling' he'd had at one time - like I needed that unnecessary level of detail - and he accepted her friend request because he doesn't give a shit about social media. ?? I asked, logically, "well then why do it at all?" No good answer came from that.) I'm not stupid. He could have found a more convenient, accessible, impressionable, age-appropriate mark who wouldn't ask for quid pro quo in a casual relationship. To which I would say, she can HAVE him, if that's the type of guy he is. You can't get and keep a woman like me in your life if you're half-steppin.
So I know it could be any one of a million scenarios that I'm not going to use my mental bandwidth to explore, because it isn't worth it.
But it is beyond unexplainable, hurtful or even disappointing. It's fucking infuriating, and feels deliberate.
And clearly his loss, not mine.
Trying to forget all of the memories and convince myself he was just an imaginary friend. Which, really, he kind of was, since the person he presented to me doesn't seem to have actually existed.
He's dead to me now.
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